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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30059427">A Lie by Omission is Still a Lie</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolelained/pseuds/carolelained'>carolelained</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>due South</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 17:07:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>40,147</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30059427</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolelained/pseuds/carolelained</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Chapters one and two are both Ray Vecchio and Ray Kowalski (Set during season 2) the main part of the story is Ray K and Benton Fraser after Vecchio goes undercover.<br/>Ray K hates the fact he's now alone after his divorce and along comes Vecchio, then later Ray goes undercover and has the perfect opportunity to get back at Vecchio in the form of a Mountie.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benton Fraser/Ray Kowalski, Ray Kowalski/Ray Vecchio</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Does anyone know of any good beta readers that are still active in this fandom? xx</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A Lie by Omission is Still a Lie</p>
<p>Sometimes I wonder if this was how my entire life is going to be, as I was going through a divorce and work at the nineteenth precinct was starting to really piss me off and make me even more depressed. Okay, it wasn’t the lieutenant’s fault that I’d injured my ankle and only had desk work for the past three weeks, well now I was good to go and I was in desperate need of some action. Then I got called into Lieutenant Davis’s office and thought things were finally going to change around here, yeah well, I guess I was the only fuckin idiot around here.</p>
<p>“Sir, ya wanted ta see me.”</p>
<p>“Take a seat Kowalski while I just grab a file.”</p>
<p>I took a seat facing the large desk and waited, not that it bothered me as I was finally going to be free of my desk for a while. Then the lieutenant finally handed me a file and sat back down behind his desk, inside were some photos and an address along with another officers’ notes.</p>
<p>“Whatcha got for me, Sir?”</p>
<p>“Surveillance.”</p>
<p>“Like hell…”</p>
<p>“Detective Kowalski, you will sit back down and listen to what I have to say.”</p>
<p>“Sorry, Sir.”</p>
<p>“I’m well aware that you want to be out there and doing things, but things like this are just as important too.”</p>
<p>“Yeah and there’s plenty of detectives out there that could do it.”</p>
<p>“This will ease you back into things, detective. All you have to do is sit there and watch, look the twenty-seventh precinct needed someone and I figured you fit the bill.”</p>
<p>“So, I’ll be working with one of their detectives then?”</p>
<p>“Yes, it’s all in the file. You can go home for now and come back here tonight at ten.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, whatever…”</p>
<p>“Detective Kowalski, I want you on your best behavior too, that means no phone calls from lieutenant Welsh about you.”</p>
<p>“What me?”</p>
<p>I went back to my desk and grabbed my car keys, and soon I was on my way back to the apartment I now lived in while the divorce went through. I guess it felt lonely living on my own after so many years married, having no one there to make it feel more like a home. Not that it mattered as I only used the place to sleep and do the basics, I just preferred to be at work and around other people most of the time.</p>
<p>I made myself a coffee as I knew it would be a long night and I hated surveillance with a passion, well the coffee was good and I sat on the couch and opened the file once more. Shit, this was going to be one of the worst stakeouts in history, as apparently, we were to just watch and radio it in if the suspect left the premises. So, there would be no interaction or a reason to even get outta the car, and there was also the fact I’d never met the detective before.</p>
<p>I didn’t like working with people I didn’t know, and I knew that was one of the things that pissed off my lieutenant. He claimed it was hard getting anyone to work with me in the beginning, and now it was far harder what with the divorce and everything. Davis claimed that I’m argumentative when around others and I have very little patience too, that was why he said I had to be on my best behavior tonight and not let the station down, what me?</p>
<p>I grabbed a bowl of cereal and then headed for the shower before getting ready, then I dressed and headed back out towards the precinct to meet the other agent. At least the station was quiet at this time of night and I soon managed to park up, then I went inside and was pissed off within seconds, especially as the agent had already made himself at home at my desk. And then there were his clothes too and the guy looked like some style pig, and he was sat there looking me up and down as he spoke.</p>
<p>“Detective Kowalski, I presume.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you must be Vecchio.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Ray Vecchio.”</p>
<p>“So are ya ready to leave then?”</p>
<p>“As ready as I’ll ever be, Stanley.”</p>
<p>“It’s Kowalski, other than that everyone calls me Ray.”</p>
<p>“Hmm, too confusing as that’s my name, so it looks like you're stuck with Stanley.”</p>
<p>“Jeez, yer fuckin annoying.”</p>
<p>I ignored him and just walked outside behind Vecchio, then he walked over to a green Rivera and climbed inside. Great, so it turns out Vecchio really is a style pig after all and I might cramp his style somewhat and that made me laugh out loud. Then I got in the car and he was giving me such a dirty look, yeah I knew the bastard thought he was way better than me and I was out of his league, not that I gave a shit.</p>
<p>We drove out to our location without saying anything and I knew this would get worse, it was bad enough doing a stakeout when you had someone to talk to and this would be hell. Vecchio parked up and it was as if I weren’t even in the car with him, that just made my temper rise and I wanted to hit out at the arrogant bastard, instead I decided to say something and see where that got me.</p>
<p>“So, where’s yer partner tonight?”</p>
<p>“What’s it to you, Kowalski?”</p>
<p>“Hey, forget I asked…”</p>
<p>“My partner got called away and had to deal with something else.”</p>
<p>“Not surprised he wanted to do something else, especially if he has ta work with you, Vecchio. Yer not exactly a bunch of laughs are ya, and yer partner must be a dumb fuck to want to work with ya.”</p>
<p>Vecchio never spoke straight away and he just sat staring straight ahead, and I noticed how his hands were gripping the steering wheel with more force than necessary. Well it looked like Vecchio wasn’t as cool as he liked to claim he was and I liked that fact, shit then suddenly he turned towards me and had his hand around my throat.</p>
<p>“Get the fuck off me, Vecchio…”</p>
<p>“Don’t ever talk about Benny like that, the man is worth far more than you will ever be, capisce?”</p>
<p>“Whoa, chill man.”</p>
<p>Vecchio squeezed a bit harder and then finally let go of me, well the bastard would pay for that later as I wasn’t taking shit like that. It didn’t help though when I was getting turned on by what he did, yeah, I was a sick fuck and anything seemed to turn me on lately. Maybe it was all the years with Stella and what had happened, I didn’t want a relationship, I just wanted fast and hard sex. Oh, great way to think Kowalski, without thinking I grabbed my jeans and tried to relieve the pressure on my erection. And that was when I realized my mistake, Vecchio was sat there with a smug look on his face and had seen what I’d done.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe this; you get turned on by a bit of rough stuff.”</p>
<p>“Fuck you, Vecchio.”</p>
<p>“In your dreams, Stanley. Is that why no one wants to work with you, as I’ve heard all about you and how you are with others.”</p>
<p>“It has got fuck all to do with ya…”</p>
<p>“Maybe I should teach you some respect, Stanley, as you sure as hell need it.”</p>
<p>“I’d like ta see ya try, and call me Stanley again and I’ll kick ya in the head.”</p>
<p>“Later then as we have work to do.”</p>
<p>The stakeout was long and boring and we hardly talked at all, yet I noticed that Vecchio was watching me when he thought I wasn’t looking. Yeah well, he really would get a kick in the head if he pissed me off again, that made me wonder if this was how he acted when he was around his partner, and I was just thankful that it wasn’t me. It didn’t help that I was uncomfortable too and couldn’t relax in this fuckin car, and the man glared at me if I so much as touched anything in it, then it was nearly over and I could finally relax. Just one more hour and I got to go home and have breakfast before grabbing some sleep, at times I really hated working the night shift.</p>
<p>Then I thought back to my dad and how many hours I’d spent on the GTO with him, now that was a car and I would give anything to still have it now. I’d driven to the twenty-seventh in a crappy ford as that was all I could afford at the moment, then suddenly I was pulled back to the present as Vecchio’s cell started making some god damn awful noise, and I just sat there listening in to the call.</p>
<p>“Good news, Kowalski.”</p>
<p>“What’s that?”</p>
<p>“We’re back on at ten tonight.”</p>
<p>“What, fuck that!”</p>
<p>“Do you want to tell your Lieutenant how you fucked up and refuse to work with me?”</p>
<p>“Fine, I’ll be at the station at ten.”</p>
<p>“No need, you might as well leave your car there as I can drop you off now and pick you up tonight.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I guess so.”</p>
<p>“So where do you want dropping off, Kowalski?”</p>
<p>I gave Vecchio my address and wondered how the hell I would survive another night with him, not that I had a choice though as Davis would be pissed if I fucked up and he’d put me back on desk duty, not that this was any better. We pulled up outside and Vecchio switched the engine off and just sat there, then he asked if he could take a piss as he’d drank way too much coffee on the stakeout.</p>
<p>We both went up to my apartment and I searched for my keys, Vecchio had a strange look on his face and I had a really weird feeling about having him here with me. Finally, I managed to pull my keys out and unlock the door, Vecchio followed me inside and I pointed towards the bathroom and watched as he walked away, only then did I pull my jacket off. Then I threw it down on the chair and bent down to remove my boots, as I was really tired and in desperate need of a strong coffee. Not that anything went as planned, soon Vecchio walked into the kitchen and started pissing me off all over again.</p>
<p>“So, Stanley.”</p>
<p>“Don’t push it, Vecchio, I’m too tired for any of yer mumbo jumbo.”</p>
<p>“Aww, poor Stanley.”</p>
<p>“Are ya always a prick, Vecchio?”</p>
<p>“You still need to learn some manners, Stanley.”</p>
<p>“Fuck off back to yer partner if that’s what ya want.”</p>
<p>“Benny can wait, right now it’s you I want.”</p>
<p>Within seconds Vecchio had me pinned against the fridge and his mouth was on my own, fuck I couldn’t breathe as he deepened the kiss and then forced his tongue inside. I realized that I was kissing him back too, and I wasn’t even attempting to stop this as his hand went to my jeans and started unfastening them. I was already rock hard and desperate for the touch of another person, as I’d only felt my own hand for the past few months and it was so lonely. Finally, I could breathe once more as we were both in need of air, and then Vecchio removed his hand from my jeans and took a step back as he watched me.</p>
<p>“So, yer a cock tease then, Vecchio?”</p>
<p>“Far from it, Stanley. I want you to strip for me, then I want you on your knees with that pretty mouth wide open.”</p>
<p>“What the fuck?”</p>
<p>“That, or I can walk out of here right now. So, what will it be Stanley?”</p>
<p>Jesus was this guy for real, my mind was refusing to cooperate and my mouth was doing no better as I was unable to speak. Vecchio stood there looking at me and I knew that he wouldn’t wait forever, then I remembered that he didn’t ask me to talk at all, he’d asked me to undress and get on my knees. Part of me was wondering if this was some sort of fucked up joke, would he wait until I was down on my knees and then laugh at me for doing as he asked, and then call me queer or something.</p>
<p>“One minute and then I’m out of here, Stanley.”</p>
<p>Fuck it, it wasn’t as if anyone else was here and I could always deny it if Vecchio opened his mouth and made an issue of it. I’d already removed my jacket and boots so it was easy to remove the rest, I removed my harness and gun before pulling my tee-shirt over my head and off, and then I froze. I looked at Vecchio once more and could see the hunger there and I knew this was for real, so I opened my jeans and then pulled them down and off along with my underwear, now I stood here totally naked and felt so small.</p>
<p>“On your knees now.”</p>
<p>I knelt down and looked at the floor as I heard him open his pants, then suddenly he grabbed my hair and yanked my head back, and it was hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. So Vecchio wanted to play rough did he, maybe he should remember that I had teeth and wasn’t afraid to use them either.</p>
<p>“Look at me, Stanley. I want you to use that pretty mouth and show me how talented you really are.”</p>
<p>Vecchio placed his erection against my lips and held it there until I opened my mouth, then he was inside and wasted no time nearly choking me in the process. I tried so hard to keep a rhythm going as I sucked him off, yet Vecchio was far from gentle and seemed to get off on hurting me and the power he had over me. Even so, I still did the best I could as I was hard and desperate myself, and slowly I worked one hand down between my legs and found my own erection, shit, and then Vecchio spoke and I let go.</p>
<p>“Remove your hand or I’ll cuff you, Stanley.”</p>
<p>I couldn’t even answer him as my mouth was already full and Vecchio was far from small in that department, then he started moaning and I knew it was only a matter of time before he came. The only thing that worried me was the name he kept saying, as the last thing I needed right now was some jealous lover at my door giving me shit, then he was coming and I swallowed every bit as I had very little choice and only then did he pull away from me. And to my surprise, he was fastening his pants back up and straightening out his clothes, while I just sat here looking like some desperate slut.</p>
<p>“Catch you later, Stanley.”</p>
<p>“What…”</p>
<p>With that Vecchio was gone and I was left sat naked on my kitchen floor, I was also rock hard and as desperate as fuck to come. How the hell could the selfish bastard just leave me hanging like this and just walk out, well I would have to take care of myself as some things never change no matter what I do. And as for Detective Vecchio, well it was only a matter of time before I could tell him exactly what I thought of him.</p>
<p>XXXXXXXXXX</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’d finally managed to get some sleep and it had taken a while too, especially as it was a bright sunny day and my brain knew it was daylight outside. And then night came around once more and I was as cranky as hell despite the two mugs of coffee I’d drank, so just the thought of dealing with Vecchio pissed me off and made my blood boil. The man casually knocked at my door as if he’d done nothing wrong that morning and I wanted to kick him in the head, as his grin said he knew exactly what he’d done and he was pleased about it too.</p>
<p>“Are you ready, Stanley?”</p>
<p>“Fuck you, Vecchio, this had better be the last night I have ta work with ya.”</p>
<p>“You seem upset, Stanley.”</p>
<p>“Yer a bastard Vecchio, go mess with someone else’s head and leave me the fuck alone!”</p>
<p>“You don’t mean that, Stanley.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I do.”</p>
<p>I pushed past Vecchio and went outside to where his car was parked, I then just stood there until he opened the passenger door and let me inside. Well fuck him, as my plan was to ignore him the entire shift and then afterward go and get my own car. No way did I want Vecchio taking me home tonight as I knew what would happen if he did and it was wrong, too many people had already used me to get what they want. Okay so I was sulking because he’d left me hanging like that, and I wanted far more than that after being on my own for so long. I had my own right hand and I could jerk myself off no problem, but deep down that wasn’t what I wanted and I knew it.</p>
<p>It had never even crossed my mind as to how far Vecchio would even go, maybe he wasn’t the type that could give back to another man and the blow job was his limit. I was contemplating asking him if he would go any farther, then thankfully his phone started ringing and stopped me from embarrassing myself. I could only listen to one side of the conversation, but even that was enough to make me realize that Vecchio might actually have a partner other than at work.</p>
<p>“Benny, I’m still on that stakeout and I can’t do that, no I’m well aware of that too. Look I won’t be back straight away, I have things to do after my shift and will see you sometime tomorrow. Yeah, I love you too Benny.”</p>
<p>Fuck, Vecchio had claimed that this Benny was his working partner and now he was telling him he loved him. Then there was the fact he was over at my place last night, well there was no point saying anything as no way was anything going to happen between us again so it didn’t matter. I just slumped down in the seat and refused to even acknowledge the other man at all, and it wasn’t like he seemed to have much to say to me either.</p>
<p>Then it was morning and the shift was coming to an end along with this temporary partnership, I could collect my car and go home and pretend I’d never set eyes on Detective Vecchio. We arrived back at the precinct and I jumped straight out of his car and purposely slammed the door shut, fuck him and fuck his precious car. I’d even managed to get to my own car and have the door open when I heard his voice as he shouted after me, and even some of the other detectives stopped as I yelled back at him.</p>
<p>“Stanley, hold your horses will you…”</p>
<p>“Fuck you arsehole, and my fuckin name is not Stanley…”</p>
<p>I knew I was acting like some spoilt kid and I didn’t care, and soon I was in my own car and screeching out of the car park as he was left stood there. I also knew I was driving over the speed limit and also a fuckin idiot, was I really that desperate to have someone fuck me and not fuck me over. Soon I was home and stripped out of all my clothes, and now it was time to get a shower and finally forget about the last two days, then I heard the door and had to grab my robe before opening it.</p>
<p>“What the fuck do ya want, Vecchio?”</p>
<p>“What do I want? Maybe I want to know what the hell your problem is, Stanley.”</p>
<p>“Yer an arrogant prick…”</p>
<p>I never even got another word out as he just pushed me backward, he then walked calmly into my apartment and slammed the door behind him and now I was really pissed. Just who the hell did he think he was coming here, and then inviting himself in despite my protests. Great, and then I lost it and felt my hand clench into a tight fist as my temper got the better of me.</p>
<p>“Get the fuck out before I punch ya, Vecchio.”</p>
<p>“You want me here and you know it, come on just admit that you want me.”</p>
<p>“Yer a fuckin…”</p>
<p>That was as far as I got before he slammed me up against the wall and his mouth met mine, shit and the bastard really knew how to play dirty to get what he wanted. My brain was already struggling to focus as I could barely breathe from the kiss, and then there was his hand that had worked its way inside the only item of clothing I wore. Vecchio was working his hand up and down my erection and I was far too gone to stop him or even protest, not that I wanted too of course.</p>
<p>“Stanley, bedroom right now…”</p>
<p>Vecchio kept his hands on me as we struggled to get into the bedroom and then he yanked the robe from me and I stood there naked, he then shoved me on the bed and rolled me over onto my stomach. Oh god, then he started running his hands up and down my back causing me to shiver, and he stretched my arms up above my head and kissed the back of my neck and that was when I heard the cuffs.</p>
<p>“What the fuck, get em off me right now, Vecchio…”</p>
<p>“Calm down Stanley, just relax and I’ll make it really good for you.”</p>
<p>“Ya leave me hangin while I’m cuffed and I’ll fuckin kill ya.”</p>
<p>“Relax, I swear I won’t leave you hanging this time, and you have to admit that it made you far more desperate.”</p>
<p>“Whatever, just get the hell on with it will ya?”</p>
<p>Vecchio stripped out of his clothing and then joined me on the bed, then his hands were wandering all over my body until they finally reached my ass and remained there. And his fingers also wasted no time as he roughly pushed a couple inside me, Jesus I needed this so much and would beg if that was what it took, not that I had to as soon Vecchio was forcing his rather large erection deep inside my ass and fucking me hard. It was sex and a need between us, there wasn’t any love and I guess we both just got what we wanted out of it.</p>
<p>Vecchio reached under me and even grabbed my cock and stroked it until I couldn’t hold back any longer, then I was coming and he fucked me even harder until he too lost it and came deep inside me. And yeah he was right, him making me wait had made me far more desperate and I was far too boneless to even move now, not that I could anyway because of the cuffs. Then the phone rang and I remembered Vecchio had a partner, the one that I’d never bothered asking about. Vecchio stood and grabbed his phone and answered it, and the entire time he just left me cuffed to the fuckin bed.</p>
<p>“Benny, I already said I’d call you later. Yeah, I’m sort of busy right now and we can deal with it later. Yeah, just someone from work so you don’t have to get all jealous on me. It’s you I love Benny.”</p>
<p>I got the general gist of the conversation from Vecchio’s side of the call, not that I was happy with any of this and didn’t need some jealous lover coming here and punching me. And I knew we would need to have a serious adult talk and it wasn’t something I wanted right now, as all I’d wanted was some fun and to get laid.</p>
<p>So, we had the talk and Vecchio told me that his lover was rather reserved and didn’t like it rough or kinky, and he was okay with him letting off steam now and again with some stranger. And I got what I wanted and had no reason to question Vecchio about it, hey he was the one that had a partner not me so it was up to him to be faithful. I never once felt guilty or even thought about Vecchio’s lover, or how Vecchio might be lying and using both of us.</p>
<p>Then one night after six months it all went to hell anyway, apparently, Benny said Vecchio had to make a choice, it was either Benny or his one-night stands.</p>
<p>Vecchio had never told him that he was sleeping with just one other person and it wasn’t a string of one night stands, yet he made it clear that he was choosing Benny and that we were through. So just like that I was dumped like I was garbage, six months and it was all over and Vecchio could go back to his lover while I was alone once more.</p>
<p>I hated him for treating me the way he had and I hoped for his sake I never laid eyes on him again, as I truly would kick the bastard in the head. For over three months I’d moped around and lost my temper with half of the nineteenth precinct until Lieutenant Davis lost it with me, the twenty-seventh needed an undercover detective and I was to take it, that or I would lose my job for good. So, I was left with no choice and collected the file with all the information I would need, apparently, I was to go undercover as Raymond Vecchio the man who was my ex lover. Yeah well maybe I could have some fun too, and ruin his perfect reputation while I was there as payback for dumping me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’d first come to Chicago in the search of my father’s killers and nothing more than that, and then Victoria turned up and everything had spiraled out of control and I was the one who got shot, by my own partner I might add. And to be honest, I think that was the catalyst for the events that followed, we were both lonely and we really only had each other and that was a bad way to start a relationship, but it worked for so long and then we both realized it wasn’t what we wanted.</p>
<p>Ray Vecchio wanted far more than I could ever give him, I guess you could say that I was far too reserved for him and not as forward as he, to put it bluntly, with Ray it was more about sex and power than love. Oh, I’d known that he was seeing others when he wasn’t with me and I’d sat back and accepted it, then one day I realized I wanted more from life than this and ordered him to make a choice. Ray did choose me over his mystery sexual partners and it was obvious that he wasn’t truly happy anymore, that was when we decided we made better friends than lovers.</p>
<p>I’d decided to return to Canada for a while and then return to Chicago and get on with my life, and when Ray called it made me realize that he truly accepted me as his friend. And he seemed more upset with the fact that he couldn’t meet me on my return to Chicago, I tried telling him that it was okay and we would both see each other soon enough. We’d both learned from our mistakes and I knew we could both still work together just as I wanted, then I returned to Chicago to find my whole world had been turned upside down, and not in a good way either.</p>
<p>My apartment was gone and now there was just a pile of ashes where it once stood, and that made me more determined to get to the twenty-seventh precinct and see Ray. I just wanted to see a friendly face in the hope it would make me feel somewhat better after everything, and then I walked into the station and felt like I was in some other universe. There was this strange man claiming to be Ray Vecchio, and worse was the fact everyone else was also keeping up this lie.</p>
<p>The man in question never stood still and was so full of energy, yet he radiated something that I just couldn’t quite put my finger on. But back to the point, he was not Ray Vecchio and he wasn’t even Italian either. Despite everything that was not right with this man and the whole scenario, I still went to the Vecchio family home with him as it was now also on fire, and then even Francesca called him Ray and I was starting to think I was going mad. So, I knew it was down to me to get some evidence and find out just who this man really was.</p>
<p>Then Ray took a bullet that was meant for me and saved my life, and I was grateful and angry all at the same time with regards to what he’d done. Ray assured me that he was okay and knew the vest would save him, and I had to point out that a headshot would have killed him regardless of the vest he wore. That just made him angry and the man seemed to be very vocal when he wanted to be, and at one point I feared he could be violent too as he got right up in my face at times.</p>
<p>Later that day I took all my evidence to Lieutenant Welsh and expressed my concerns with regards to this imposter, and that was when I learned the full story about the real Ray Vecchio and that he was deep undercover with the Italian mob as Armando Langoustini. So, it looked like I was stuck with his replacement and would have to act like he was my best friend, as doing that would keep the real Ray safe. It was times like this that I was thankful we’d kept our relationship a secret and nobody knew we were lovers, as I had no intention of doing that with this new Ray.</p>
<p>I had to deal with this as I couldn’t take out my frustration on this new man, at the end of the day he was a trained detective and his job was vital to Ray and for that reason, I would give him a chance. Despite at times his actions were very questionable for a detective, in just a few short hours the man had already violated many laws and that wasn’t a good way to set an example. I’d also noticed that he had a very short attention span at times and I just hoped that wouldn’t be a problem in the future, a partner was someone that you had to trust and rely on to have your back. Even so, I was sure that Ray had proved himself capable today, and maybe I would still read his file so I knew exactly what sort of a man I’d be working with.</p>
<p>I finished up talking to Lieutenant Welsh and asked after the real Ray, and I was told that deep undercover meant just that, nobody expected to hear from Ray or even knew how long he might be undercover for, and it could end up months or even years before I saw him again. It hurt and I really missed him as a friend, then I walked out of Welsh’s office and this new Ray was smiling at me as he held something out to me.</p>
<p>“This turned up on my desk. It's for you. . . What do you make of it?”</p>
<p>“It's a message.”</p>
<p>“Something I should worry about?”</p>
<p>“No, no. No, everything's all right. Everything is actually fine.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Well. . .”</p>
<p>I should have known that Ray would get a message to me one way or another and I felt so grateful, maybe everything was going to be okay after all and I should stop worrying. After all, Ray had agreed to go undercover and I knew it would mean a lot to him if I played along with it all, that was why I decided it was time to become friends with this new Ray Vecchio.</p>
<p>“Hey, Ray. . . Would you like to go and get something to eat with me?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’d like that, so ya wanna go somewhere or we can go to mine and get a pizza?”</p>
<p>“The pizza would be good, Ray. I will go to the consulate and change then come over to your place.”</p>
<p>“Ya can ride over with me Frase…”</p>
<p>“Dief needs a walk, so this way I can take care of a couple of things, then we can relax for the evening.”</p>
<p>“Great, greatness.”</p>
<p>I called Dief and left the station to return to my temporary accommodation, and then I would return to Ray and spend an evening getting to really know the man. Well not fully get to know him, as there were some aspects of his life I had no intention of exploring, despite he was actually a good looking man. Great, that really was not the way to think about my new partner as no way would I make that mistake again, not that I could deny his smile was gorgeous and really sexy.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Some detective I was, I’d accepted Fraser straight away and knew that I’d have to work with him while I was undercover, yet I’d missed the most obvious thing possible. It was when Fraser had received that postcard and the image was of him and Vecchio, at first I was a bit choked when I realized it was Vecchio, then it all clicked and fell into place, Benton Fraser was Benny and Vecchio’s lover. Well, it looked like I would get to have some fun after all and piss Vecchio off big time, also it would teach him a lesson for dumping me like last week’s garbage. My great plan was to make a play for Fraser, I would take away the man that meant more to him than anything, and maybe I wouldn’t feel so used. Okay maybe it was a stupid fucked up idea, but I still hadn’t got over the way he’d treat me and this was just simple revenge.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I didn’t love Ray Vecchio and the Mountie would just be a means to an end, so I went home making plans as to how I would seduce Benton Fraser. I would start simple and see if he was even going to bite the bait, also I would need to find out if they were still lovers as he was the reason Vecchio left me in the first place. The first thing was a nice hot shower as my body still ached from the bullet earlier on, as I’d learned a long time ago that you still felt the impact when it hit the vest and it hurt like a bitch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>My chest had a large bruise and it would stay for some time, and I was still stood looking at myself in the mirror when I heard the door. Well, this was perfect and it was time to see how the Mountie reacted to me, I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist as I went to answer the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come in Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can come back later if you need some time to dress…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, just sit on the couch as it’ll only take a moment to dress.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I notice just how flustered Fraser looks and you’d think he’d never seen a bare chest before, then I realize his eyes have settled on the bruise and he’s now staring at it. Oh fuck, and then he reaches out a hand and brushes his fingers lightly over it and I start breathing heavy. And then I have to keep my own emotions in check along with my cock as those said fingers catch my nipple at the same time, then suddenly he comes back to himself and jerks his hand away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It wasn’t yer fault so don’t beat yerself up over it, Frase. Look just take a seat will ya while I dress.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“As you wish.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I left Fraser in the room and returned to the bathroom as I had to take care of my own problem, and all I could do was turn the shower to cold and step back inside for a couple of minutes as I willed my erection to go down. How the fuck could I use the Mountie to get back at Vecchio if he did this to me, a simple brush of his hand and I was rock hard with need and want. I just told myself that it was a natural reaction after going a while without anyone touching me in that way, hell Vecchio was the one I’d slept with and even he’d never touched me or looked at me like Fraser did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, I was a needy touchy person and I could do this if I had to, and with him, it just felt so easy to brush up to him or throw my arms around him. So that was what I did for the following few months, I taunted Fraser and made many sexual innuendos without anything happening, and now I could see why Vecchio had come to me when he wanted it rough and hard. Benton Fraser was proving to be harder than I’d expected, even my Ray Kowalski charm was having no effect on the man at all. Then one day out of the blue we were in the car and he mentioned Vecchio, said there was a few things I should know if we were going to work together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, we need to talk.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God, I hate it when someone says those four words. Nothing good ever comes of it, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, please.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are ya dumpin me, Frase, have ya got yerself a new partner or something?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, you can be very trying at times, I just thought that you should know that Vecchio and I were partners.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I think I already clued into that one, Frase. Especially as I’m replacing him as yer partner, or did ya just think I was stupid or something?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, I assure you that I do not nor have I ever thought of you as stupid, and I meant Ray Vecchio and I were partners and lovers too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not cool, Frase, ya shouldn’t tell me things like that when I’m driving ya know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please pull over then so we can talk, I don’t want there to be any secrets between us, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, what ya do in yer own time is up to you, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, pull over right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jeez, bossy much.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I pulled the car over as soon as I was able to do so and then just sat there waiting, as I damn well wasn’t going to be the one to speak first or even mention the fact that I already knew about it. I figured I’d keep quiet and see how much Fraser was willing to share with me, as maybe he would say something that would help me get him right where I wanted him. And that in itself was one hell of a scary thought, mainly because I no longer knew what it was I wanted from him. The Mountie was starting to get under my skin and that wasn’t too good, and it would be even worse if he ever found out about the time I’d spent with Ray Vecchio.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I’d brought the subject up and had ordered Ray to stop the car, so now I had to think of a way to word this so that Ray would understand what had happened in my past, and what I wouldn’t let happen again no matter what.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray you have to understand that this is very hard for me, and I’m only bringing it up as I’m unsure as to the nature of your behavior.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come again… Are ya trying to say there’s something wrong with me and this is all my fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, will you calm down and just listen for once in your life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoa, that’s so not buddies, Frase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, it’s just you can be so infuriating at times and it makes this harder than it needs to be.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just cut the mumbo jumbo and spit it out will ya, I ain’t getting any younger here, Frase…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As you wish, Ray. I just get the feeling you want more from me than just a working relationship.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, will you please stop doing that and just tell me, please.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what I want, Frase. I like ya and beyond that I dunno.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, things happened and to cut a long story short our relationship changed and we became lovers.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So are ya still lovers now, as I think it’s something I should know considering I’m meant to be him?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Ray wanted more than I could give him and he started looking elsewhere to find it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit that must a been hard, Frase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, it was very hard at the time and that’s why I gave him an ultimatum. Ray chose me and then I think he regretted it afterward.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Did ya find out who the other man was?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I never said it was a man, Ray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry, I just figured cos…ya know what I mean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I never found out, and I hope for their sake I never do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How can ya blame them, Frase, maybe they never knew about ya.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I trust Ray and we had an honest relationship, that’s why I believed him when he said the other person knew about me. They knew he had a partner and still carried on seeing him, it takes a very shallow person to do that to someone else, Ray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit I never thought about it that way…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, and I guess his bit on the side never thought about it either.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jeez, I’m sorry, Frase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s why I asked you what I did, Ray. As I made a mistake once and won’t ever repeat it, I will never get involved with someone I work with as it can soon become very complicated.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So ya saying yer not interested in me, Frase. Hell, not even if I wanted something to happen between us, not that I’m saying I do or anything, it’s just…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, you’re babbling and making no sense at all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, I’m sorry, Frase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And yes, that is exactly what I meant, Ray, my life is far easier if I remain the way I am and stay on my own.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I drive now, some of us have shit ta do, Frase?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As you wish, Ray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>We drove back to the station and Ray hardly said another word to me and that bothered me, mainly because I didn’t know what part of it had upset him. Was he pissed off because the real Ray Vecchio was my lover, or was it because I didn’t want anyone else? There was also another option too, maybe he just felt sorry for me and thought it pathetic that I let Ray have another lover and sleep around. I’d meant what I’d said though with regards to that matter, I would most certainly give his lover a piece of my mind if I ever learned their identity. Over time I realized that single conversation had changed Ray and he acted differently towards me, worse was the fact that I had started feeling something for him that I’d vowed I never would.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The arguments were becoming more common and I had a feeling I was losing him as a partner, losing the man that had so much life and had always managed to make me smile in the past. It was as if he’d lost part of himself along the way and was now bitter and moody, he was even more argumentative than normal and now that was saying something. Then we’d jumped into that freezing water and everything between us came to a head and Ray did the one thing I never thought he would. We had argued and it was the worst argument we’d had so far, and within seconds his fist had connected with my jaw.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later Ray had ordered me to hit him back despite my protests and I’d done it, I guess this was the end of everything and we would both take our transfers and go our separate ways. And for me this felt so wrong as we’d done so much together and come a long way, maybe there was more but that was something that would stay buried along with my regret. Even though nothing ever went to plan and that dead body that fell onto the car made sure of that, we were to end up working just one more case together as it had sort of fallen into our laps, so to speak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was when I thought Ray was going to die and I would lose him for good, I’d searched that ship and refused to give up until I found my partner and knew he was safe. Only to find him cuffed and the key was nowhere to be found, and it was so hard to try and think when Ray was so vocal and very expressive at times. At one point I’d wondered if he was so loud in bed too and what sort of lover he would make, that was the moment I realized we would both die unless I got my head out of the gutter and did something.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I still have nightmares about the Henry Allen and how I’d come so close to dying down there, I guess that was when I realized Fraser had become such a large part of my life and I was making him suffer just to get back at Vecchio. Now, things had changed and we were a duet again, and that was what I wanted from us both even if it was just as friends. And yeah, I had a problem with the whole love thing, but I sure as hell knew how to keep my mouth shut if it meant Fraser would stay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, our life returned to what it was before we became stale and stopped communicating, Fraser was his usual self, while I went back to the Ray that was always getting up close and in Fraser’s face. Not that the man ever complained when I was all over him and he just took it all in his stride, I guess he’d learned that it was just who I was. Then there was the work front, well no one could complain as we had one of the highest arrest rates in the station and we were untouchable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I loved the fact that we had this perfect friendship and no one seemed to be able to touch us, Fraser also spent most of his spare time at my apartment and tonight was no exception We ordered food and watched a game together, then I was the one that fucked up and managed to risk our friendship without the help of anyone else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>We were sat on the couch together and I was knocking back a few beers so I could relax, and I got up to go get another from the kitchen as I was in a really good mood tonight. Then I returned from the kitchen and tripped over my own fuckin boots, well I guess Fraser was right and I should learn to clean my own shit up. That wasn’t the fuck up though, as I’d fallen onto Fraser and my mouth was pressed against his cheek and it felt really good, better than good. I was just about to move and Fraser turned his head to ask me if I were okay, so like a fuckin idiot I kissed him and even forced my tongue inside his mouth until Fraser pulled back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, Ray, Ray…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck, what the hell have I done?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, you need to calm down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I jumped backward off the couch so I could get as far away from Fraser as possible, then I landed hard on my ass as I tripped over my boots once more. Jeez, I was a fuckin idiot in far more ways than one, and now Fraser was up and off the couch leaning over me with his hand out to help me back up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, we have to talk about this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s ta say, Frase. I fucked up and it should never have happened.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What if I wanted it to happen? Then what, Ray?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fraser pulled me up off the floor and then he had his mouth pressed against mine and I couldn’t breathe, Benton Fraser was actually kissing me and he was the one that started it this time too. Then his tongue pushed past my lips and I couldn’t get enough of him and wanted far more, naked and in my bed was what I really wanted yet I was scared to push the issue. Vecchio had claimed that he loved Fraser but he wasn’t into much when it came to sex, shit what if I scared him off and I never got to have him at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fraser…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Ray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do ya wanna take this to the bedroom?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Very much so, yes…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I grabbed hold of Fraser's hand and led him into my bedroom and then pushed him down on the bed, and then I started working on his clothes one by one until I had him laid there naked. Fuck he had a far better body than I’d realized and his clothes had hidden so much, and then my eyes trailed down his body until they reached his groin and the large erection he was sporting. I never even thought twice as I knelt over him and took him deep in my mouth, his skin was so soft and warm as his organ throbbed inside my mouth and I knew this would be over really fast.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I sucked on him hard and then ran my tongue up and down his cock and savored the taste that was purely his alone, then I flicked the tip of my tongue against the small slit and he jumped suddenly. Well, I suppose I’d done it plenty of times to Vecchio and he’d never once complained about my technique, not that I wanted to think about him while I was in bed with Fraser. I even sucked his balls one by one until he came deep inside my mouth and I swallowed every bit, and that was when I realized the man would need some help with this and how to lighten up a bit, as he’d hardly moved and never even made a noise as he came.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Frase, are ya okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Ray. Do you want to come, I would have no problem if you wanted to use my body?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit, what the fuck, Frase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I didn’t want to use profanity as you do, Ray. Also, I thought asking you to make love to me would be somewhat presumptuous when we haven’t actually said those words.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Frase, of course I love ya.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As I do you, Ray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, so I wanna make love to ya then and not fuck ya.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I reached into the draw and found the lube; I then wasted no time at all as I stripped out of all my clothes and then rejoined my lover on the bed. God, it felt strange thinking of him as my lover, yet it was strange in a good way and I wanted this more than anything. Especially as I worked a couple of fingers deep inside his ass and felt the vice-like grip, and that made me realize just how close I was to coming and hoped I didn’t blow this and let Fraser down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, I’m ready now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m on it, Frase…Ben.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt strange calling him Fraser when we were in bed together and making love, then nothing mattered as I entered him and pushed my erection deep inside his pliant body. Soon I was fucking him with everything that I had and wanted to make it so good for him, despite the fact that he might have a few bruises too come morning. And then I was coming and there was no way I could stop it, then I realized Fraser was still rather quiet and that worried me a hell of a lot. Hmm, thinking about it, it was like making love to some inflatable doll or something and I knew I’d have to show him how to relax and fully enjoy this.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Ray was gorgeous and I wanted to hold him in my arms and feel every inch of him, yet part of me was afraid to even touch him in case it wasn’t what he wanted. I’d had very few relationships and I always struggled to understand what people truly wanted from me. Well, Victoria used me so none of that was relevant to what I have here, then there was Ray Vecchio who was totally different when it came to things like this and we didn’t really want the same thing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ben…Talk to me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is it, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yer just laid there all like ya know, em stiff and I dunno what ya really want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is it you want, Ray?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wanna hold you, Ben. Taste every bit of you until I know ya inside and out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, I…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, I’m sorry if I come on a bit too strong at times.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, I would like you to hold me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I moved over towards Ray and soon found myself engulfed in his arms, and it felt safe and right. I guess very few people had actually held me like this in my life and that made me feel really sad. To think how good this felt and I would have never known without Ray, also I knew that he loved with his whole heart and to think it was me he wanted and no one else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatcha thinking about, Frase?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You, me, and what we have here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, can I ask ya somethin without you getting mad at me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can ask me anything, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did Vecchio ever hold ya like this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, Ray. Ray Vecchio wasn’t the type that liked to cuddle afterward, or at all for that matter. I guess that was one of the things that drew me to you as you don’t hold back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I like touching, especially when someone looks and feels as good as you, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good because I like it, Ray. And in the morning, I want to make love to you and show you just how much you mean to me. I don’t ever want you to think what I shared with Ray Vecchio was better than this, we were both lonely and it shouldn’t have happened.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, at least yer still friends.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, that is something I’m pleased survived our mistake.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, how do ya know this ain’t some mistake?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I feel far more for you than I have anyone else, Ray. I was wrong the times I thought I was in love before, and I realized that back when we were on that ship. You were facing death Ray and I couldn’t have left you there to die alone.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, what are ya sayin?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I should have known Ray would ask a lot of questions, I guess it was in his nature and he was a damn good detective too and he had to know everything. Well, maybe he had a right to know just how deep my feelings were for him, at least he would know and could call this off if he thought it was moving too fast.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m saying that I couldn’t have left you there to die alone, I knew that you didn’t like the water as you couldn’t swim and also that you were terrified. Well, it worked two ways, Ray. I realized that I couldn’t let you die alone, and without you, I had no reason to live anyway.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Shit, that’s heavy, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry if it wasn’t what you wanted to hear, Ray, and I’ll understand if this is too much and not what you want in a relationship.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, I love you so much and it fuckin hurts to watch you like this, I ain’t going anywhere now I have ya either. There’s just one other thing I need to know, do ya love me in a different way to Vecchio?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, you have my whole heart and you’re the only one that ever has, what we have means more to me than anything ever has and it scares me that I mess it all up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Watcha mean, how can ya mess it up, Frase?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know… how do I put this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, ya can tell me anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray only slept with me when his lover was unavailable, and all I had to do was lay face down and he did the rest. I don’t know how to reciprocate in bed as Ray’s the only male lover I’ve ever had.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m a good teacher, Frase. I can make it really good and all you have to do is learn from what I do to you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I am more than willing to learn if it makes things better between us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, it will make things better, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I knew that I would do anything to keep Ray, but there was just one other thing that was bothering me and that was Ray’s past. I guess I was wondering if he’d had experience with other men, or whether I was his first. Not that it was my place to ask him while we were in bed and both tired, then I realized he was watching with that look that said he knew something was bothering me.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Out with it, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was just wondering how many relationships you’ve had that were male?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re my first relationship, Ben. Stella was my life and we were together for a hell of a long time, other than that it was just a couple of one-night stands after we split up, and yes one happened to be a man.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you for your honesty, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, whatever. I ain’t got nothin to hide, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I looked at Ray and had a feeling there was something he wasn’t telling me, not that I’d mention it tonight as we both was in desperate need of sleep now as I’d promised to make love to him in the morning. And Ray had already said that I was the first man that he’d had a proper relationship with, so maybe this could work out as he was nothing like Ray Vecchio who’d lied about all the other men he’d slept with.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>What I had with Fraser felt perfect and I didn’t want to blow it either, god and to think it was just a way to get back at Vecchio in the beginning. Yet I knew what I felt for my partner was love and I’d fallen hard, well that was me all over and I could never do anything by halves when it came to love. I would always be there for them and love them no matter what, then I realized I should also be telling him the truth about my past and my relationship with Vecchio. Oh, I thought about everything that night I was in bed with Fraser and I couldn’t do it, plus it was the past so why the hell bring it up now.</p>
<p>The following morning, Fraser had kept his promise and made love to me. And it had felt good to have someone want me again like this, Fraser was so gentle with me and it was as if he was afraid to hurt me and I’d have to work on that too, and without offending him. Vecchio had told me that Fraser was the perfect gentleman and wasn’t into cuffs and shit like that, and I loved what we did and wouldn’t change that. I guess there was this side of me that wanted to see him let go and lose it with me, as I had a feeling he could be wild if he really let go.</p>
<p>So, I went out of my way to touch him even more than normal, and even at work, I’d do it when no one was around to see what we were doing. Flustered was one hell of a good look on Fraser and I liked it, and it was his idea on many occasions to want to go into the bathroom to talk at work. I guess that was why no one suspected anything when we kept slipping away together, and all I had to do was tell Fraser it was important and he’d drop everything to see what it was I wanted.</p>
<p>That was why it was easy the day we’d ended up in the store cupboard with me taking what I wanted, and that was Fraser’s cock deep down my throat as he struggled to keep silent. I could still remember how I’d cornered him and claimed I had to tell him something without anyone else overhearing, and Fraser was always so gullible when it came to me.</p>
<p>“Frase, I have a lead on the case and I need to show you something.”</p>
<p>“As you wish, Ray.”</p>
<p>“Not here, Frase. Someone might over hear us.”</p>
<p>“Understood.”</p>
<p>“Frase, just come with me will ya.”</p>
<p>I led Fraser towards the closet and none too gently shoved him inside, I even made sure I remained near the door so no one could enter, and also Fraser was unable to leave. Then without a second thought, I made my move and was on my knees with his pants open and his cock out, which turned hard within seconds of touching it.</p>
<p>“Ray, what are you doing…”</p>
<p>“I woulda thought that was kinda obvious, Frase.”</p>
<p>“Ray, please…you have to stop…”</p>
<p>“Frase, this is happening no matter what, so I suggest ya shut up and let me get on with it.”</p>
<p>“Oh, dear!”</p>
<p>“I thought ya would see it my way.”</p>
<p>I licked the tip of his erection and tasted the pre-cum that was already leaking out, and I couldn’t get enough of this man or his body. Fraser smelt so clean and it was like a unique clean smell that was just him.  Then I had images of pine trees and woods for some reason and I was getting distracted, yet the minute I took him fully in my mouth the thoughts were long gone. All that mattered now was this, and that was tasting the man I loved as I deep throated him, that and listening to him as he moaned and tried so hard to be gentle with me.</p>
<p>I knew what I was doing though and soon Fraser had lost the perfect gentleman act, he had his hand in my hair and was pulling hard as he fucked my mouth with force, and I couldn’t get enough. I knew exactly how deep to take him and just what it was that he liked to make him lose it. Then the final bit was to press one finger against his ass and push the tip inside, that was when Fraser really lost it and was coming in my mouth as I greedily swallowed it all.</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry, Ray.”</p>
<p>“What for?”</p>
<p>“I was rather rough with you towards the end and that shouldn’t have happened, I apologize as it is so unlike me to lose control.”</p>
<p>“Frase, shut it will ya.”</p>
<p>“Ray…”</p>
<p>“No, just listen will ya? I loved every minute of it and it turns me on far more than you can possibly imagine.”</p>
<p>“Well actually I can see that, would you like me to reciprocate, Ray?”</p>
<p>“Nah, later will have ta do as someone will come looking, I just need to go to the bathroom and sort my hair out.”</p>
<p>“As you wish, Ray.”</p>
<p>Fraser straightened his clothes out and left first, I figured it would be safer to give it a couple of minutes before I headed off towards the bathroom. Finally, I got there and took a good long look at myself in the mirror and liked what I saw, and it was obvious by my hair and flushed face that I’d been up to something. Washing my face with cold water soon helped with the flushed look I had, the hair was a different matter though and took some sorting out so it looked reasonably okay. Hmm, I guess it would be a good idea to keep some hair gel here for the future, as I sure as hell wanted to repeat what we’d just done in that storeroom.</p>
<p>Fuck, then I was just about to leave when I realized I was still hard myself and would have to deal with it one way or another. I thought about so many disgusting things and willed my erection to subside, well I just had to think of Mort in the morgue and that soon did it. Then I returned to my desk and took one long good look at my partner, yeah, my partner that I was managing to corrupt into my way of thinking and soon I would see the animal he kept hidden away.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>My life with Ray was full and everything I wanted, even if at times he did things that no Mountie should even think about doing. Ray appeared to have very few limits to what he would do and it didn’t matter where he was either, yet I willingly followed him into that storeroom knowing what he wanted. And then there was the matter of what I’d done, as I was well aware that I’d lost control for a few moments too. Part of me had liked having Ray down on his knees as I shoved my erection deep inside his mouth, and I guess it made me feel powerful. For once, he was actually quiet and I had control as I took what I wanted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At first, I’d felt sorry and even apologized to Ray, yet the look on his face just spurred me on and made me want to do it again. I suddenly wanted to see him naked and cuffed, possibly laid out on the bed while I gave him pleasure and reduced him to a quivering mess. I had no idea where this animal instinct had come from, yet I knew I would have to act on it and soon. Deep down I knew it wasn’t me though and I’d be afraid to do something like that, so we ended up back at Ray’s for pizza and a game. Even so, my head wasn’t in it as I spent the time just watching Ray, I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anyone to the point it actually hurt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I had this fear that I wasn’t good enough for anyone, and especially someone who wanted so much and deserved everything he wanted. I suppose I was thinking about my past once more and how I could never give my previous lover what he wanted, then I thought about how he’d gone elsewhere to get what he wanted. Would Ray do the same if I couldn’t give him what he wanted sexually, part of me still wondered about the men he’d slept with too?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I had to wonder what sort of man would sleep with someone knowing that they had a lover, how they could be so shallow and heartless to do something like that. Ray was different though and I knew he loved with all his heart, but then it wasn’t about love was it, Ray Vecchio had always claimed it was only sex. Maybe I was old-fashioned and would be happy with just that one special person to love, and sleeping around was something I could never do.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase...”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What, Ray?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“ya were miles away, ya can talk ta me if something’s bothering ya…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Understood.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, is something bothering ya, Frase?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not really, it’s just…Never mind…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, spill or else.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have thoughts Ray and they concern you, oh dear… how do I put this without worrying you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, are ya tryin ta finish with me… I know that I can be a pain in the backside and too much at times, look just give me it straight as I have ta know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, you’re babbling. Look I love you and have no intention of ending what we have, rather the opposite if anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank fuck…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry, Frase. So, what the hell's got you looking so worried then?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes I have these urges and I’m worried that I’ll scare you away, that or you think I’m strange.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, yer a freak so what’s new.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay I’ll just tell you, and then you can take it however you want.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Finally…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Would it upset you if I were to cuff you to the bed one day, maybe keep you there and do things to you…?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fuck…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See, I knew you would think I’m strange.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fraser, ya can cuff me to the bed anytime ya want…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really, I guess I was scared I get carried away and hurt you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, I’m not fragile ya know and I can take a lot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Understood, Ray. You do know that I meant it in a sexual way and I’d never purposely hurt you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know what ya meant, Frase. Look I love ya and whatever ya do to me, so do ya wanna go to bed now?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Very much so, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ray grabbed hold of my hand and led me into the bedroom and pushed me onto the bed, then suddenly his mouth was on mine and his tongue was deep inside my mouth. Then I felt his erection press against my thigh and I wanted to feel him inside me, to take me and make me understand that my feelings were perfectly normal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want ya to lay there and relax, Frase, as I’m gonna strip ya and then make love to ya.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ray started stripping me of all my clothes and it was rather slow going, well I guess it took longer when his mouth was constantly distracted with other parts of my body, and it was then that his fingers also decided to get busy too. I breathed heavily as Ray pushed a couple of fingers inside my ass and started stretching me so I was ready for him, even so, I still felt the burn as his erection forced its way through the tight muscle until he was fully inside me. Then Ray was moving and he made sure he purposely hit my prostate, I was already close and then he started whispering in my ear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe I’ll do it to you first, Frase. I’ll wait till yer not expecting it and then I’ll pull my cuffs out, I’ll have you right where I want ya while I take what I want from yer willing body. I’ll show ya that it can be good and that it’s normal.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God, yes…I want you to do it, Ray, I want you to show me how good it can be…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Great, greatness. I wanna teach ya everything and then fuck ya hard, Frase…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I need to come, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come for me, Frase. Imagine that yer cuffed there and I’m gonna keep you here for hours fucking ya.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly I was coming and there was no holding back, just the thought of Ray cuffing me and using my body was enough to push me over the edge. Then Ray gripped my hips hard and slammed into me one final time before finding his own release, my whole body ached and then I looked at Ray and felt so safe and loved and I knew I was home here with him.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Frase was such a fuckin turn on and so hot, yet I still had the voices in my head telling me that I wasn’t good enough for someone like him and never would be. Even Stella had dumped me because of me not being good enough, and I guess that was why I worked so hard to keep Frase happy and give him what he wanted. Hell, I also benefited too and eventually I’d get him to relax and then he could act out some of his fantasies with me. The cuffs thing had come as a surprise though, and I even managed to go a few weeks before cornering him and using mine on him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Well, I did tell Frase that I’d teach him a few things and I wasn’t joking either, I just don’t think he appreciated the place or the idea of me disrespecting the uniform. I’d spent the day working alone and had finally managed to close a big case and even write the report, hell even Welsh was pleased and gave me the rest of the day off. First, I went home and took a long shower and grabbed something to eat, then I drove straight over to the consulate to see Fraser.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>None of it was planned and I’m just a sort of instinct guy and I saw an opportunity and took it, as it turned out everyone had left except for Turnbull and he was now working the desk. That left just Fraser and he was in his office, so I thanked Turnbull and went in search of my lover. Frase was sat behind his desk and hadn’t even realized someone had walked in and that was so unlike him, and then he finally looked up and seemed rather confused to see me standing right in front of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ya were miles away, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry, I’ve had a busy day and Inspector Thatcher dropped a few things on me at the last minute.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Typical, the ice queen needs ta lay of ya.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, please. Why are you here anyway, as you know I don’t finish until six?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I got home early and I missed ya.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, I’m sure even you could manage to wait another hour…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase, ya need to chill out and relax more.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I am afraid you will have to sit down and wait, Ray. So, you haven’t really achieved anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that what ya think, Frase. Well, I get ta ogle you for one.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, sit down then and please let me finish.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I sat as he’d asked and I had to admit I wasn’t happy about it either, and within seconds I was back up and pacing the small room. I hated having to wait for anything, and all I wanted was to see him on my bed and naked as I fucked him. Oh, a great way to think, as now my jeans were starting to piss me off too. And for that Fraser was to blame, especially as I became horny every time I looked at the man.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Frase…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, Ray…Ray what are you doing, and why are you looking at me like that…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, I just wanna give you a massage.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, well you could have waited until we left here.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t be like that, Frase…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine, as you wish, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cool.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I went behind Fraser and started rubbing his shoulders to release the tension, the man really did need to learn how to relax as he was so tense, not that he would be for long though if I had my way. I ran my own hand down along his arm, then within seconds I clicked the cuff in place and threaded it through the chair. Fraser had started to relax and hadn’t even expected a thing, and by the time he did it was too late, his hands were restrained behind his back and the chair would keep them in place.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What the hell are you doing, Ray?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Having some fun.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, dear…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just chill, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, I’m at work and this is really inappropriate.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, it’s happening so just sit there and enjoy it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I knelt down in front of the chair and looked up at my lover, then within seconds I had his pants open and my mouth was on him. I licked the full length of his erection and then pressed my tongue against the little slit, where I could taste the pre-cum that was already leaking out. Not that I’d last long with Frase moaning so much, and then he just became louder as I engulfed his cock in one swift move.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just what are you trying to do to me, Ray…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I knew Frase was really turned on and this wouldn’t last long, so I just worked up a rhythm and gave him everything I could so he’d know how much I loved him. Then I nearly choked as he jumped and pushed his cock deeper down my throat, not surprising under the circumstances, as I’d heard the knock too and then the voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Constable Fraser, is everything alright in there? I just heard some moaning that was all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I assure you that everything is fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sure?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, now please go back to the desk Constable Turnbull.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>I knew that Fraser was really struggling to keep calm and talk normally, and it didn’t help as I’d just carried on with what I was doing until he came. Then I casually licked Fraser clean and even licked my own lips, only then did I stand up and look down at the man that sat there, and god did he look so fucked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ray, Ray, Ray would you kindly release my arms?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, shit I was kinda lost there.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So I’d noticed, well I think it’s time we left don’t you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m on it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You are incorrigible, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And ya love it, admit that ya love what I do to ya, Frase.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, I love it and I also love you, Ray.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hmm, let’s go then and you can show me just how much you love me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fraser couldn’t get out of the building fast enough, while I just winked at Turnbull and made an excuse about having to leave in a hurry. Well, it wasn’t a lie and I was in a hurry, as turnabout was fair after all.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>I decided that I must be going soft in my old age, especially as I would give Ray anything he wanted to keep him happy. Sometimes he knew how to push me too and I still gave in, the incident at the consulate was proof that he’d always get his own way. Life was rather busy at the moment and I’d had to remain at the consulate and couldn’t work with Ray, and I knew that he was getting rather frustrated with everything too, as was I. Then the night came that I was finally relieved of my duties and I could see Ray once more, so I left and went straight over to his apartment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I’d turned the corner and realized his car wasn’t there and he must still be at work, not that it mattered as I’d already waited this long, and what was another hour or so. To fill the time I decided to take a shower and relax so I’d be ready for Ray’s return, I even ended up sitting on the couch in only my boxers as I was desperate to feel his hands upon me. Then I heard the key in the lock and couldn’t wait for Ray to enter, I even stood up and threw my arms around him the minute he walked through the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, have I told you today how beautiful you are?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, I missed ya too, Frase. And ya don’t have ta soften me up as I’m a sure thing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, I meant what I said.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know ya did, Frase. God, I want ya so badly and I’ve missed you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve missed you too, Ray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How about ya go lay on the bed and show me how much you missed me…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As you wish, Ray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>I went into the bedroom and stripped out of my boxers, I then lay on the bed in my birthday suit and waited for Ray to lock up and follow me. My cock ached and I needed him so much as I’d waited so long, then I heard him call me and tell me he was going for a quick shower first. Part of me wondered if he were trying to torture me as it sure as hell felt like it, and I guess that was why I couldn’t help myself as my hand found my erection. I was really getting into it and working up a rhythm, and just then Ray returned and grabbed my hand hard by the wrist.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ya can knock that off, Frase. Actually, that gives me an idea so just lay there and behave.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, Please…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ray never even answered me and he just walked out of the room, now I felt even more desperate and started to wonder how long he planned to be. Then he finally returned and came back over to the bed and I realized what he went to get, especially as within seconds he had my hands cuffed to the headboard. Ray stood there looking at me and I was starting to feel really nervous, I guess I was afraid he might decide to leave me like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoa, yer such a turn on, Frase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray, please… I need you…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I’m on it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, I lay here and watched as Ray stripped out of all his clothes and exposed his gorgeous body to me, and that made me realize just how much I loved and needed him. Then Ray parted my legs and knelt between them and pushed my knees up, while I just breathed heavy with the anticipation of what was to come. Not that I’d expected his next move as he pressed his tongue against my ass, and then within seconds he was fucking me with that same said tongue. I arched up off the bed as he pushed it farther inside my desperate body, and I’d never experienced anything like this in all my years.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ray kept it up for a few minutes and then he pulled his tongue away and I felt the loss straight away, not that I could complain though as I felt something else suddenly take their place. Ray had the most amazing talented hands, with long fingers that managed to reach deep inside my needy body. My cock was rock hard and I was so desperate to find release, yet Ray grabbed hold off the base and refused to let me come until he was ready.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think so, Frase… Ya ain’t cumin until I say ya can, and I ain’t ready yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray…oh god please, I’ll beg if that’s what you want…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“God, yer so fuckin hot when yer desperate, Frase, not that it’ll help ya though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ray…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s so un Mountie like, Frase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t give a damn, Ray, god please just fuck me and let me come.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, ya turn me on when ya lose it like this, Frase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ray finally relented and removed his fingers, and within seconds I had his cock buried to the hilt as he fucked me hard, and there was no holding back now as my body shuddered and I came all over my stomach. At the same time my ass clenched and Ray was coming too, and then he just collapsed onto my sweaty hot body and I let him stay there. I realized that this one man had my heart and he was my whole world, sometimes I missed home and wondered if one day I could take him back there with me. Even so, I’d sacrifice everything if it meant I got to keep Ray with me, I’d even remain here in Chicago if that was what it took.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yer miles away, Frase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Believe me, I’m right where I want to be, Ray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, me too, I love ya Frase and couldn’t imagine my life without ya.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Likewise, Ray.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The weeks past and I was truly happy with my life and what I had, yet sometimes the urge to return home was far greater than I could handle and I think Ray knew. It was times like this that I’d go off to be alone until the urge to return passed, it was also times like this I was glad it had snowed and felt somewhat like home.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Today I found Fraser at the water reservoir and he confessed to me that he was homesick, and that was the first time I actually realized that he might want to return to Canada one day and I could lose him. And then we had the whole thing with Muldoon and it felt as if Fraser was already back in Canada and dealing with something from his past, and I guess all I could do was help him the best I could and we would solve the case together. I’d even started wondering if I would leave if he went back home, I loved Fraser and would even move to fuckin Canada if I got to stay with him.</p><p>I debated telling him this and that I was cool with whatever he decided, then things happened and I decided it would be best to keep my mouth shut until the case was fully over and then see what happened.  Then we got a lead that led us to a motel and Frase went all funny on me and claimed he recognized someone that had passed us, so I remained on the phone while Frase took the stairs in search of his mystery man, and Fraser’s breathing was becoming rather ragged now and it turned me on.</p><p>“Yer breathin kinda hard there, Frase.”</p><p>“And your point would be?”</p><p>“This is the wrong place to tell ya what ya doin to me, Frase.”</p><p>“Just hold that thought for later then, Ray.”</p><p>“Hey, no worries there Benton buddy…”</p><p>I let Fraser know that the lift had stopped on the twenty-fourth floor and then set off to meet him, and I smugly walked out of the lift all calm and collected, and there was Fraser who’d done the whole stairs thing. Soon we stopped outside a door and Fraser assured me it was the right room and the man had just entered, so I claimed it was housekeeping and waited for the occupant to open the door to us. What the fuck…this had to be some kind of joke as there stood the real Ray Vecchio as large as life.</p><p>My heart practically stopped beating when I saw him and I was too afraid to say anything in case I put my foot in it, not that it stopped Fraser though. And at least for now Vecchio acted as if we didn’t even know each other which suited me fine, no he just got all clever with me instead and spoke to me like I was something bad you’d just stepped in. Then he even went as far as slagging off my clothes and telling me he would be getting his old life back; fuck and I’d thought things were bad this morning. Now I had to deal with this Muldoon case and Vecchio’s return, oh and there was a high chance I’d have to come clean with Fraser and maybe even risk losing him.</p><p>First, we had to go back to the station and see Welsh, and that was where Ray Vecchio just slipped back in like he’d never even left and it pissed me off so much. I was becoming rather jittery now and the anger was starting to show along with my temper issues. This man knew so much about me and he also knew which buttons to press, and right now he pressing as many of them as he could, it was as if he wanted me to lose it in front of everyone, Then I thought about Fraser who’d popped back to the Consulate, maybe Vecchio was jealous that I was working with Fraser and wanted him back, not that I’d told him yet that Fraser was also my lover. Then I walked to my desk and he was stood there touching everything, now the anger was boiling over and I finally broke and lost all control.</p><p>“What the hell do ya think yer doing?”</p><p>“How can you work in this mess?”</p><p>“No worse than the piles of crap you left all over the place.” </p><p>“Well, my piles of crap were organized.”</p><p>“My mess is organized, Vecchio.”</p><p>“Well, why don't you just organize it someplace else, Stanley.” </p><p>“Okay...”</p><p>I really couldn’t deal with any of this now and I grabbed all the papers from the desk, and then within seconds, I threw them up in the air so they went everywhere.</p><p>“Is that good?”</p><p>“Have you got a problem, Stanley?”</p><p>“Maybe, just maybe I don't like the way you're sashaying around trying to take over everything.” </p><p>“This is my desk, it's my life, now get over it.” </p><p>“Well, you get over this…”</p><p>I grabbed Vecchio and really wanted to punch him until he shut the fuck up and left me alone, then Frannie came in and split us up and warned us both to behave ourselves. As soon as she left Vecchio came back over to me and got right up in my face, fuck and then the bastard grabbed hold of me and kissed me until I couldn’t breathe.</p><p>“Shit, what the fuck are ya doin?”</p><p>“Hey just be thankful no one saw us, look just follow me Stanley as we really need to talk in private.”</p><p>“Whatever, I just want this shit sorted…”</p><p>Vecchio shoved me in front of him and pushed me towards the storage room, then soon he had me inside and closed the door behind him and even wedged something in front of it. Shit, I knew this was going one of two ways, he would either beat the shit out of me or fuck me, and to be honest I was full of so much energy and no longer cared. My mind was so fucked right now and I couldn’t even think straight, and I wanted this as I needed to feel wanted. Okay, I was a complete bastard and never even gave Fraser a second thought, I loved him but sometimes he made me feel as if I was just there and it was routine.</p><p>Vecchio slammed me hard face-first against the wall and soon had my jeans and underwear around my ankles, then he wasted no time entering me hard and making me feel everything as he’d forced himself deep inside my ass. Then he started fucking me in all earnest and whispering things into my ear, he was telling me how much of a slut I was and how he’d missed fucking my body. The bastard bit my neck and I suddenly jumped shoving us backward, I’d accidentally knocked the box away from the door and prayed that no one would walk in here and catch us. As I knew we would both be out of a job and I’d have nothing left, then Vecchio shoved harder and I forgot about everything.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’d heard a noise from inside the storeroom and stood still for a few seconds and listened, I was already pushed for time as we had to get to the place where Muldoon was meeting his contacts, but I knew it only took a few seconds to help and someone could be struggling in there. I opened the door and expected to see Francesca trying to reach something, without much luck I might add. Instead, I felt as if my heart had just shattered into a million pieces, the man I loved was in there with Ray Vecchio and they were both semi-naked. Worse was that neither of them had even noticed me and I could hear my lover moaning with pleasure, while Ray Vecchio carried on like he was doing nothing wrong.</p><p>“I wouldn’t want to interrupt, but we are supposed to be dealing with something important here!”</p><p>“Shit Benny…”</p><p>“Fuck, Vecchio get the fuck off me will ya. Frase wait up, please ya have ta listen to me…”</p><p>“I don’t have to listen to either of you right now, we are working a case here unless you’ve forgotten. Also, you should be grateful that it was me and not Lieutenant Welsh, as I’m sure you would both be out of a job now.”</p><p>“I’d rather lose my job than you, please stop and listen to me, Frase…”</p><p>“What’s going on between the two of you, Benny.”</p><p>“Will you both shut up right now, we deal with this meeting and then I will talk to you both, is that understood?”</p><p>“Yeah, Benny, it’s understood.”</p><p>“Frase…”</p><p>“This is my final warning, Ray. We talk later or not at all.”</p><p>“Frase, okay have it yer way then.”</p><p>I didn’t want to look at my lover right now or I might give in, especially as he looked so upset and lost in his own world. Now I had to hope that they could keep it together until this meeting was over, I even sent my lover along with Inspector Thatcher so I wouldn’t have to deal with him. And Ray Vecchio had tried talking to me in the car but I refused to listen, later part of me wished I had, especially when he took that bullet and I thought he might die.</p><p>I was a mess and felt as if I were losing everything, and I still refused to talk to Ray as he drove us over to the hospital. Where it appeared that Ray was now in recovery and they’d been unable to remove the bullet, and I guess I was just lucky that they were willing to let me see him considering I wasn’t family. Then I’d no sooner walked into the room when my father decided to speak to me, and it was just another painful reminder of everything I’d lost.</p><p>“So, you found out son?” </p><p>“Why didn't you tell me?”</p><p>“It seems misguided now but you were so young at the time, just a young boy. I was full of rage I didn't want to pass that to you. I wanted to protect you.” </p><p>“He killed my Mother. I would have done the same.” </p><p>“I hope not Ben, I hope you never get a chance to find out.”</p><p>“Still talking to yourself, Benny?”</p><p>“Ray…”</p><p>“It's just a flesh wound. God, I've been waiting all my life to say that. It's not as much fun as I thought it would be. Just like old times huh?”</p><p>“Unhappily yes.” </p><p>“We need to talk, Benny. I feel bad that you walked in on us when we were back at the station, but you know what I’m like so I guess it didn’t shock you that much.”</p><p>“Ray, how can you even say that?”</p><p>“Hey, I thought we were friends and was good with that?”</p><p>“So did I, Ray. However, a best friend wouldn’t have sex in a closet with his best friend's lover.”</p><p>“Benny, what the hell are you talking about?”</p><p>“I’m sure that he told you we were lovers and have been for the past year?”</p><p>“No, he didn’t tell me, I just figured he wanted to pick up from where we left off, back when we were sleeping together.”</p><p>“Ray, you’ve lost me here.”</p><p>“Look I would never have slept with him if I knew he was with you, but I figured you knew about me if you’re in a relationship with him. Benny, Ray Kowalski was the man I had the affair with when I was with you, and then you made me chose and I dumped him for you. I would never intentionally hurt you, Benny.”</p><p>“So, he lied to me all along, two years together and it was nothing but lies! Why would he do that to me, that very first day and I received that postcard from you, I told him everything and he knew we were lovers in the past.”</p><p>“I don’t know what to say, Benny. Only Kowalski would know why he lied about us, maybe he was afraid you wouldn’t give him a chance if you knew about the past we shared.”</p><p>“Say that was true, why would he start seeing you again now if he really loved me?”</p><p>“Benny, you have to talk to him and sort this out.”</p><p>“You say you left him, Ray. Maybe this was all a plan just to get back at you. For all I know, maybe Ray blamed me because I was the one you left him for.”</p><p>“Shit, I never thought of that. Wait till I get out of this bed and I’ll teach him a lesson or two.”</p><p>“Ray, I just want you to get well, and I will take care of my own mess.”</p><p>“Benny, it’s my mess too…”</p><p>“You didn’t know we were together so it’s not your fault, Ray though, well that’s a different matter.”</p><p>I left Ray to get some sleep as he looked exhausted, the man had just taken a bullet and didn’t need all this added stress on top of that too. And I’d meant what I said, how could I blame him when he didn’t even know about myself and Ray. Hmm, speaking of Ray. He was sat in the waiting area with his head resting against the Wall, my beautiful Ray who still held my heart, or what was left of it. I still loved him and I’d thought we’d always be together; I was lost just staring at him and then his eyes opened and he looked straight at me.</p><p>“So, what, we still partners?” </p><p>“For now, we can talk once this is all over.”</p><p>“Frase…”</p><p>“No, I don’t want to hear another word until I deal with this. The man took my mother away from me and left me without any parents, so I’m sorry if this takes priority, Ray.”</p><p>“Hey, I understand and can wait, I’m not good at waiting but I’ll do it for you, Frase.”</p><p>“Understood.”</p><p>Now we had a lead and my main priority was getting to the airstrip where Muldoon would be, as I would do anything in my power to stop this man and bring him down. I wanted justice for what he’d done to my mother, and I also wanted justice for what he’d done to me too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We ended up in Canada and let’s just say the rest was history, Fraser saved my life out there so many times and not once did he mention our past, we were partners and nothing more, then we caught Muldoon and it was time to face up to my past and what I’d done. We still had it though and we worked well together as a duet, and I remembered saying something to him about red ships and green ships. Part of me had actually thought I’d die out there and would never get to talk to Fraser, and it was so hard working with him and even sharing the same sleeping space, especially as he made it perfectly clear that I wasn’t to touch him at all.</p><p>I’d also seen the look on Fraser’s face when we jumped from that plane, or should I say when I was pushed. Anyway, Fraser was home and now I’d have to fight that too, as knowing my luck he’d decide he wanted to stay here now as there was no reason to go back to Chicago. This all fuckin sucked and I hated it, yet I was the idiot that had lied and kept my mouth shut regarding Vecchio, also I let him fuck me while I’m seeing Fraser. How could I convince him that it was all a mistake and that I still loved him, especially when so many people had already hurt him in the past?</p><p>That first night Fraser had made a fire and I lay there feeling so lost, I even tried asking Fraser if he ever felt lost and then I’d fallen asleep without even mentioning what I’d done to him. Mainly because I knew this meant so much to him, not that it stopped my heart from breaking inside. He had sacrificed so much to keep me alive and this wasn’t the first time either, maybe Stella had the right idea when she divorced me and wanted nothing to do with me, and then there was Vecchio too. Well, you’d think I was used to getting dumped by now as it kept on happening, and that should tell me just what sort of person I am.</p><p>I played my part though right up to the very end as it was my job, and also, I wouldn’t have walked away from Fraser when this was something that had affected his entire life. Once Muldoon was caught, well I expected things would change and I could try talking to Fraser once more. First, though, I had to know if he was coming back to Chicago or staying here in Canada.</p><p>“Frase, we need to talk.”</p><p>“I thought you hated those words, Ray. Not that I can see why you would need to talk now, and maybe you should have talked back when we first met. Oh, Vecchio filled me in on everything, how you two were sleeping together long before you took the undercover job as him.”</p><p>“Yeah, I bet he did. I bet he also took great pleasure blaming everything on me.”</p><p>“Well, you are to blame for it all, Ray, you’re my lover and not him. “</p><p>“Oh, I shoulda known he’d be the fuckin innocent one in all this…”</p><p>“Ray, language.”</p><p>“Do not do that, Frase, I’m falling apart and you wanna have a go at me for swearing.”</p><p>“Look, we’re both tired and should get some sleep, maybe in the morning this will be somewhat easier.”</p><p>“Yeah, whatever. Frase, I am sorry ya know.”</p><p>“So am I, Ray.”</p><p>We both still had to sleep in this tent and it fuckin hurt so much, and Fraser just lay there without even saying another word to me about anything. I guess I’d let him down and I bet he hated me now, and then the tears came and I had to lay there and cry without making any noise so that Fraser wouldn’t even know. At some point, I must have fallen asleep as it was morning when I opened my eyes again, and that was when I realized Fraser was no longer in the tent and I knew he was a morning person. Yet my search for him didn’t end up the way I’d wanted it to.</p><p>I got out of the tent to find many other Mounties near a fire and I went over towards them, soon someone had shoved a mug and a plate into my hands and I was told to take a seat. Great, this would be another meal I ate without even knowing what I was eating when all I wanted was my morning coffee with a good dose of chocolates. Well, I suppose needs must, I’d only had a couple of mouthfuls when I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around. There stood Fraser, yet his face was unreadable and I knew he still wasn’t ready to hear me out.</p><p>“Ray, the American embassy has arranged a flight for you to Chicago.”</p><p>“What about you, Frase?”</p><p>“I’m not American, Ray.”</p><p>“Aw, ya know what I mean, Frase.”</p><p>“I will have to remain here for a day or so to wrap up this case and deal with all the paperwork.”</p><p>“What, so yer not coming back with me…”</p><p>“No, Ray. I’m sure you will manage without me.”</p><p>“So, when do I leave then.”</p><p>“In two hours, Ray.”</p><p>“Fuckin great, so I guess we’re not gonna talk then.”</p><p>“Two days, Ray. Then I will be back in Chicago and we can talk, not that I’m guaranteeing anything though.”</p><p>“Yeah, I get it.”</p><p>Fraser took me to the nearest airport and dropped me off, he never even came inside and waited with me until my plane left and it hurt so much. Hell even his parting words were just, Take care, Ray. My hunch was trying to tell me something and I didn’t want to listen, maybe because I had a feeling Fraser was ending what we’d had between us.</p><p>Chicago was a fuckin blast too, I arrived back at the station and went to see Welsh as I wanted a word with him and then I wanted one with Vecchio, maybe I would kick him in the head for what he’d done to me and my life. That was when I found out just how low Ray Vecchio really was, the bastard had now made his move and was now seeing my fuckin ex-wife.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>At first, I felt bad about sending Ray back to Chicago alone as I knew he could be needy and rather dependent at times. And also there was Stella there too, and Ray might be needy enough to try to get back together with her. Something that I knew would only result in him getting hurt once more, as the woman had a tendency to talk down to him all the time and that hurt me so much. I still loved Ray with all my heart and the past few days were anything but easy, especially as we’d only had each other and I’d come so close to losing him out there.</p><p>It was also hard having to sleep so close to him without touching him, it also meant I’d had no time to myself and therefore had no time to think about all of this either. It was just each time I closed my eyes, straight away I was back in that storeroom along with him and the real Ray Vecchio. The man that had known nothing about us and someone I couldn’t blame, and I knew that had annoyed Ray and he believed I was blaming it all on him. Hmm, that gave me an idea, maybe I would call Ray and ask him to keep an eye on my lover once he returned. Even so, it still took four attempts before I finally heard his voice at the other end of the phone line.</p><p>“Ray Vecchio speaking.”</p><p>“Ray…”</p><p>“Hey, Benny, how’s it going out there in the middle of nowhere?”</p><p>“Okay I guess, things are getting back to normal now we caught Muldoon.”</p><p>“That’s good, Benny. So, what about Kowalski, how’s he dealing with it in Canada?”</p><p>“He left for Chicago, Ray.”</p><p>“What, please tell me you sorted things out between you.”</p><p>“No, not as such. I just need some time without him so that I can think, the past few days have taken their toll physically and mentally.”</p><p>“So, when do you plan to return, it’s just I have some news for you, Benny.”</p><p>“Ah, well it might not be that simple, Ray. I’m thinking about staying here, well that’s if I decide things are over between Ray and myself. There is one thing I would like to ask of you, I want to know if you’ll do me a favor, Ray.”</p><p>“Anything for you, Benny.”</p><p>“Keep an eye on Ray for me, and even more so if I decide I’m not coming back.”</p><p>“Yeah, no problem, so what is it you think he might do anyway.”</p><p>“Ray has a tendency to fall back to his old ways, and I’m afraid he might try going back to Stella and get hurt.”</p><p>“Well, there goes waiting to tell you my news, Benny.”</p><p>“Why would that be?”</p><p>“Stella and I are sort of a thing…”</p><p>“Oh dear…”</p><p>“Benny, talk to me.”</p><p>“I’m pleased for you, Ray. I Just don’t know how Ray will take the news though.”</p><p>“Benny, he loves you. I just happened to be there that day and he was so angry, shit it should never have happened, but it did and we can’t change that.”</p><p>“If only it was that simple, Ray, he lied about so much and I don’t know if I can forgive him or trust him for that.”</p><p>“At least think about it, Benny. While I’ll do my best to keep him out of trouble here.”</p><p>“Thank you kindly, Ray.”</p><p>I replaced the handset and thought about my situation and what I would do, as at the end of the day Ray had lied to me about his past experience and that hurt. Also, he’d lied by omission with regards to Ray Vecchio too, he knew he was my ex-lover and had just kept his mouth shut. It hurt and I went to bed thinking about him, I thought I had everything with the man and I love him so much. Now though, I lay here in bed alone and weep while no one is around to bear witness. I wanted to have him here in my arms, I wanted to protect him and keep him safe as I’d thought he deserved so much.</p><p>I knew that Ray had struggled after Stella and I’d wanted to help him, I’d wanted to make him see that not everyone was the same and that he was worthy of a lover who actually loved him. Only to learn that it was all one-sided, as all I deserved was someone who would lie to me and treat me like it didn’t matter at all. Sleep must have claimed me at some point and I woke to daylight, not that anything had changed with regards to my feelings for Ray.</p><p>I was hardly eating and all I did was cry, yes, I was pining and making myself ill with my actions and all the worrying. And I still went and made the decision I did; I was a Mountie after all and strong enough to get through all of this alone. The decision to leave Ray was one of the hardest I’d ever made; I’d also decided that I wouldn’t be returning to Chicago in a day or so either and that would leave just one thing to do and that was the hardest of all.</p><p>I knew I would have to call Ray and give him the news, as I knew it was unfair for him to hear it from someone else too. It was up to me to be a man and face the choices I’d made; I mean I was already acting like a coward and doing it over the phone. Ray had been here with me and by rights, I should have told him then, and I’d let him go and had even told him I’d return in a couple of days' time. Well, Ray wasn’t expecting me back until tomorrow and that would allow me some time to think, as at this moment I had no idea what to say to him, also I was afraid I cracked when I heard his voice.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I couldn’t believe all the shit that was happening to me lately, it was as if everyone wanted me to suffer and be all alone too. And now I was stuck in my apartment waiting for the phone to ring so I could hear Fraser’s voice once more, as I knew he would call me from the airport and then I would go and pick him up so I could bring him home, also hopefully he’d get to see Dief again too. It didn’t help as I was far from patient and really didn’t do the waiting thing, and worse was the amount of coffee I’d drank just to pass the time and stay awake, as sleep was something I’d struggled with since I returned from Canada.</p><p>In the end, I cleaned up just so I had something and didn’t go mad, I’d even checked out all the flights that would arrive from Canada today, and I knew I had at least another hour before the next one landed. Ha, knowing my luck he’d be on a late-night flight and I’d have to wait all day. Well at least my apartment looked somewhat cleaner now and Fraser wouldn’t think I was a slob, that or think I couldn’t cope here alone without him by my side. Even so, that was the truth and I was already lost without him here as my friend and lover.</p><p>I walked into my bedroom and I could still smell Fraser and that hurt so much, then I looked at the dream catcher and remembered the day back in the cemetery and how I’d wanted to use him to teach Vecchio a lesson, yeah some lesson that was. The only person my jealousy had hurt was me, everyone else had moved on and had a life, and now all I could hope was that Fraser still loved me and wanted to be here with me. Then the past was forgotten as the phone broke into my memories, and I nearly broke my neck as I tripped over the bed in my rush to grab the phone.</p><p>“Ray Vecchio, er Kowalski here.”</p><p>“Ray.”</p><p>“Hey Ben, did yer plane land already?”</p><p>“Ray, I need you to listen to me…”</p><p>“I’ll just get Dief and we can be there in no time to bring you home.”</p><p>“Ray, I’m already home.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know that, Frase. That’s why I said I’d be there soon.”</p><p>“Ray, when I said home…I meant Canada.”</p><p>“Did ya miss yer flight or…”</p><p>“Ray, Ray, Ray… Will you please listen to me…”?</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m not coming back; I’m staying here in Canada as it’s my home and where I want to be.”</p><p>“Frase, I’m all for long-distance relationships and all but that’s a bit too far don’t ya think.”</p><p>“Oh dear, how do I put this, Ray?”</p><p>“Just spit it out will ya already.”</p><p>“There is no me and you, Ray, no relationship anymore or even a partnership.”</p><p>“Frase, don’t do this to me please.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Ray. Also, it will be easier for you to move on without me in Chicago.”</p><p>“Do you hate me that much, Frase?”</p><p>“I don’t hate you at all, Ray.”</p><p>“Yeah right, coulda fooled me.”</p><p>“I love you, Ray, unfortunately, I no longer trust you and that’s the reason we can’t be together.”</p><p>“I learned my lesson, Frase. Please don’t punish me like this…”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Ray. Please take care of yourself and…”</p><p>“Don’t you fuckin dare do this to me, Frase…Shit, ya didn’t even have the guts to tell me to my face did ya?”</p><p>“Ray, I couldn’t possibly come all the way back just to tell you, and you have no right expecting me to do that either.”</p><p>“No, I don’t have rights to expect anything do I, after all, I’m just a lying bastard and deserve all I get.”</p><p>“Ray…”</p><p>“Don’t go there, Frase. It’s bad enough ya not coming back, and I don’t need yer pity on top of that.”</p><p>“I guess there’s nothing else for me to say, Ray.”</p><p>“Likewise.”</p><p>I ended the call without even saying goodbye or anything else for that matter, I then threw the handset at the wall and just stood there as it exploded into many pieces, and I didn’t give a shit about it. What was the point to any of this now as I’d lost the one person I truly loved, and all because I’d never mentioned a relationship that happened long before we got together? As Fraser was more put out by that than finding Vecchio fucking me in the storeroom, not that any of that mattered now as nothing was going to change. I was here and Fraser was back in freezer land.</p><p>Gone just like that and I’d never see him again, never even get to touch his warm skin and his soft lips. Never have him here with me until we grew old together, this was all too much and I went into the kitchen to find something strong to drink. It took a while and I’d had to move plenty of things until I found a bottle of vodka that had been there ages.</p><p>Now I was stood here and about to put everything back in the cupboards before I started drinking, but darkness arose inside me along with a sudden rush of anger. They all laughed at me and I was no good for anything, Stanley Raymond Kowalski was nothing but a fuckin loser, that was when I finally couldn’t take anymore and fell apart, I also took my hand and swiped everything off the counter and onto the floor where it all smashed.</p><p>I then made my way to the bedroom and just smashed anything that was in my way without a second glance, then I sat on the bed and drank until I couldn’t think too well and that was a welcome relief. However, the ache was still there though as the sheets smelt of Fraser and that made me want him here with me. I ended up with my hands over my eyes and tried to block the images out, the ones with us both in this bed together and making love. The times when I thought my life was complete and couldn’t get any better, then I heard a voice and realized someone was in my apartment and in my fuckin bedroom.</p><p>“Stanley.”</p><p>“Fuck off, Vecchio. How the hell did ya get in anyway?”</p><p>“Em, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’m a detective.”</p><p>“Yeah, well that don’t give ya rights…”</p><p>“Just sober up and we can talk in the morning.”</p><p>“Fuck you, why don’t ya fuck off back to yer new girlfriend?”</p><p>“Stanley, Please.”</p><p>“Get the fuck outta here or I’ll kick ya in the head, Vecchio.”</p><p>“I’ll come back tomorrow, then you might be somewhat more reasonable.”</p><p>“Yeah, well don’t count on it.”</p><p>Vecchio left and slammed the door behind him, yeah, I bet the petty bastard was hoping it annoyed me. Well fuck him and fuck Fraser, fuck Stella too as I’d be long gone before he came back to check up on me. My plan was to drink myself stupid now, then tomorrow I would sober up before going to see Welsh and asking for some time off, as I had places to go and things to do.</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’d made the call to Ray and now I felt as if I were mourning his loss, despite the fact I was the one that had ended the relationship, and only because Ray had given me a reason to do so. And I couldn’t miss the pain I’d heard in his voice when he finally realized it was over, and that was when he became defensive and tried to cover the pain he was feeling. My biggest fear was what he might do to himself now he was alone, and that was why I’d asked Ray Vecchio to go over and check upon him.</p><p>Later I had to wonder if that was really a wise idea, especially considering that he was now with Stella and Ray might kick-off over that fact, and in some ways, it was understandable, Ray would feel as if he were alone and had just lost everyone that meant something to him. As for me, in time I would adjust as I had spent most of my life alone, Ray on the other hand was different. I guess he’d had a family who was there for him and then he met Stella, and soon he was married and I guess someone had always been there for him.</p><p>Then Vecchio had come along and Ray had something to hold on to, well until Vecchio dumped him to be with me. I sat here thinking and realized Ray had lost everyone, yet he was the one who needed someone and was rather needy. I’d loved that about him when we first met, he had the ability to hug you and was so flamboyant compared to me. Okay, there were also times when his neediness could be rather irritating too.</p><p>At least I would be starting a new post in a couple of weeks' time, also I had the cabin to keep me busy as it was in need of many repairs. It was the loneliness out here that worried me the most, I could survive living alone, it was the thought of hardly seeing anyone at all that worried me. Then there was Dief, and I knew he was on his way here now, so that was something to look forward to. I still felt guilty about that though, maybe I should have left Dief in Chicago with Ray, but then I figured that might make Ray even worse if he had a constant reminder of what he’d lost. Sometimes life could be so confusing and relationships were hard work, especially when they went wrong and both parties hadn’t wanted things to end.</p><p>A short time later I decided to go out and get some supplies, and I even paid Maggie a visit so I could distract myself. As it was hard to think about Ray without wanting him and that was bad, no way would I allow myself to take him back when I was still emotionally affected by all of this, as I knew later on, I would regret rushing in. Ray was the one who rushed in and not me, I would calculate everything and then weigh up all the pros and cons, and the facts spoke for themselves. Ray had lied to me and I couldn’t trust him, and right now I couldn’t even trust myself to be around him either.</p><p>It turned out my trip to see Maggie hadn’t helped my situation either, as she believed Ray deserved a second chance and had his reasons for doing what he did. Ray and I were partners for a year before we became lovers and that was plenty of time, he could have told me then that he knew who I was and that he’s slept with Vecchio. And yes, I was stubborn, and that meant no one would make me change my mind with regards to this matter. Soon I was back at the cabin when my phone started ringing and I went to pick it up, as only a handful of people knew this number so I knew it must be important.</p><p>“Benton Fraser, how may I help you?”</p><p>“Benny, it’s me.”</p><p>“Good evening, Ray, did you manage to do the favor I asked?”</p><p>“Yeah, I went to see Kowalski…”</p><p>“And how was he, Ray?”</p><p>“He was in bed and had been drinking.”</p><p>“Oh, dear…”</p><p>“Benny, it’s not your fault that he can’t deal with shit. The man always was a needy little fucker at times.”</p><p>“Ray!”</p><p>“Well, it’s true, look you can do far better than him, Benny.”</p><p>“Ray, please…I still love him and would like it if you stopped referring to him in that way.”</p><p>“Hey, I just call 'em as I see them, Benny. I knew Kowalski better than himself back then, and he’s still got that temper too.”</p><p>“I’d rather not know, thank you kindly, Ray.”</p><p>“Yeah well, he’ll threaten to kick somebody in the head one day and they will knock him into next week.”</p><p>“Ray…”</p><p>“What, Benny?”</p><p>“Never underestimate him, Ray is a good policeman and far tougher than he looks.”</p><p>“Yeah I know, look I’m sorry and I shouldn’t have said what I did. The man knows exactly how to wind me up, and now he has far more reason to do so.”</p><p>“Hm, I’m sure it came as a shock to learn about you and Stella.”</p><p>“Yeah and I feel bad, Benny, so don’t make me feel any worse…”</p><p>“Understood, Ray.”</p><p>“Look, I’ll give him a couple of days, and then I’ll go back to his apartment and check upon him.”</p><p>“I appreciate that, Ray.”</p><p>We both finally said our goodbyes and I sat there thinking about Ray and how he dealt with things, and I knew he was taking it bad if he were just sleeping and getting drunk, and that worried me as I couldn’t do anything. A couple of days passed and all I could do was wait for Vecchio to call me with some news, then the call came and it wasn’t what I was expecting either.</p><p>It turned out that Ray wasn’t in his apartment and it was trashed, so Vecchio had gone to the station and bumped into Ray, then he learned that Ray had taken a month of work and nobody knew where he was going as he refused to say. So, all I could do was pray that he didn’t do something stupid, I still loved him and wanted him to be safe even if we weren’t together anymore.</p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>God, I hate waking up with a hangover, and it was no easy feat as I forced myself to get out of the warm bed. Shit, and that was when reality came and my head was filled with the reasons why I’d drank in the first place. Well, it was mainly just one reason really and that reason even had a name, Constable Benton Fraser. The man who thought he could just brush me aside and I’d let him do it, well I was a Kowalski and I wouldn’t go down without a fight.</p><p>Nothing would get done though until the headache cleared, and that meant some pills and plenty of hot strong coffee. And I was only on a god damn time limit because of Vecchio and his threat to return later, yeah so he could go and grass to the fuckin Mountie. Yeah, I’m pathetic and nothing more than a drunk who can’t deal with shit. Well fuck him as I planned to be long gone before that happened, so I drank the coffee and took the pills before going for a warm shower before I left for the station.</p><p>First though, I had to pack a few things in a bag and make a few calls, then I went to see my landlady. I’d decided I was leaving today no matter what Welsh had to say about it, as I knew I had some holiday left and I was entitled to take it. Okay so maybe it was short notice and it wasn’t like I’d given him any warning, even so, I bet Vecchio had already told everyone at the station about me and Fraser splitting up as he’d be glad we had. The bastard had made it pretty clear in the past that Fraser was far better than me, finally, I pulled up outside the station and realized I didn’t want to think about Vecchio right now, or his opinion of me.</p><p>I entered the station and braced myself for all the gossip that people would be spreading about me, as all I had to do was grab some stuff from my desk and then go see Welsh. And then it had to happen today of all days, I’d turned the corner and walked straight it to Vecchio. Fuck this and fuck him, I just shoved past him as I had no intention of even speaking to him and then he grabbed my arm.</p><p>“Kowalski.”</p><p>“Get the fuck off me…”</p><p>“Or what, you’ll kick me in the head?”</p><p>“Yer could be looking at my fist in yer face if ya don’t put a sock in it.”</p><p>“Jeez, no wonder Benny wanted rid of you…”</p><p>“Hardy haha, at least I ain’t some style pig like you Vecchio.”</p><p>“It’s funny as Benny wasn’t the only one that dumped you, even your own wife got to the point where she couldn’t stand the sight of you.”</p><p>“You fuckin bastard…”</p><p>“Vecchio, Kowalski…in my office now!”</p><p>Shit, I knew that Welsh was pissed now just by his voice, and all I’d needed was just a few more seconds to wipe that smug grin off Vecchio’s face. Well, he could wait and I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened, for now though I’d have to behave and deal with Welsh, and it wasn’t easy as Vecchio stood opposite me in the office and kept glaring at me.</p><p>“Right, I’ll start with you Kowalski, you’re a detective and should know far better than this. So, would you care to tell me why you’re here on your day off, as you need the time to sort that head of yours out before you return to work?”</p><p>“Vecchio started the shit out there so don’t take it out on me, also I came in to tell ya I wanted a month off as of now.”</p><p>“Very well, that I can do. Just make sure you have a far better attitude detective when you return.”</p><p>“Yeah, and thanks.”</p><p>“Have you any idea what you’ll do with your time off?”</p><p>“Maybe I’ll go somewhere warm and try to deal with everything, I’ll be good to go once I get my head around things.”</p><p>“Very well, you can leave now detective as I have Vecchio to deal with now.”</p><p>I turned to leave and couldn’t miss the comment Vecchio made, the bastard really was asking for it and I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought of me either. Yet I bit my tongue for now and walked out without looking back. He had to remind me once more that I wasn’t good enough and never would be either. So now I was back in the car park and just sat in my car thinking as I still had a few hours before my plane took off, and they do say patience is a virtue. So, I waited and after five minutes I’d used up all my patience and had to get out of the car, then I saw Vecchio walk out of the station and towards his own car.</p><p>I never even gave anything a second thought, and most certainly not the long-term effect my actions would have. I’d just calmly walked up to Vecchio and grabbed his arm, then as he spun around my fist connected with his jaw and he fell back against the car.</p><p>“You fuckin bastard, I’ll make sure you never work here again Kowalski. Hell, I’ll make sure you lose your badge and never work as a detective again.”</p><p>“Go to hell, Vecchio. That or maybe you can run to the nearest phone and report it to Fraser.”</p><p>“The best thing I ever did was dump you, Kowalski.”</p><p>“Fuck you…”</p><p>“Shit, that’s what your problem is… You’re jealous because I left you for Benny, is that why you wanted him in the first place, just to get back at me?”</p><p>“Yer so full of shit Vecchio.”</p><p>I turned and went back to my car and started the engine, then I wasted no time and the tires screeched as I pulled out of the station. Vecchio was partly right and I had wanted Fraser so I could get revenge, but then I fell in love with him and my heart was breaking just thinking about what I’d lost. Not that I had time to deal with all that now, as just a few hours later I was on a plane and heading towards a new destination and hopefully much more.</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I spent the next couple of days trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied, that way I could forget about what was going on with Ray back in Chicago, as thinking just made the pain far worse. Well, on a plus side, the cabin was starting to look really clean now and earlier this morning Dief had arrived back home. So, I guess I had some company now and didn’t feel so alone anymore, but I still missed what I’d had back in Chicago and what I’d lost.</p><p>I knew that I should be thankful that I’m finally back home and this is where I plan to stay, well unless someone decided to transfer me somewhere else and I have no say in the matter. The evening soon came around and I let Dief out once more before we had supper, and I was also hoping that Dief might eat better too now he was here and no one was feeding him donuts anymore. That thought made me smile, and I remembered how Ray would feed Dief when he thought I was oblivious to his actions.</p><p>Finally, Dief came in and shook snow all over the kitchen floor and then casually went to lay down, so I put his food down and secured all the doors for the night before eating my own meal. Then afterward I went to change into some sweatpants and an old tee-shirt, then I was ready to sit down and relax for the night with a good book and some peace and quiet. Not that my life ever seemed to go as I planned it and someone was knocking on the door, and part of me wanted to ignore the intruder in the hope they would go away.</p><p>However, I am a Mountie and it is my duty to deal with the unexpected, and what if it was someone lost in the cold weather. In the end, I moved and went over towards the door and looked down at myself, well I decided they’d have to take me as I was because I was officially off duty for another week or so. It was then that I opened the door and just stood there staring, my brain refused to believe what I was seeing and my mouth refused to cooperate with me too.</p><p>“Frase…”</p><p>“Ray, what are you doing here?”</p><p>“I came so ya could tell me to my face, yer not getting outta it that easy, Frase.”</p><p>“Ray, are you mad? You came all the way to Canada to be told what I’d already told you?”</p><p>“Yeah, I was sorta hoping ya might feel different if I was here and not just a voice at the other end of the phone.”</p><p>“Oh dear, I meant what I said and you should never have come here.”</p><p>“Ya don’t mean that, Frase…”</p><p>“Ray, please leave. Your actions are rather selfish and you shouldn’t make me do this as you messed up.”</p><p>“Whoa, back up there a bit buddy, yer the one that led me on and made me believe I still had a chance.”</p><p>“I did no such thing, Ray.”</p><p>“You drag me all over Canada and risk my life in wildly bizarre ways, just to dump me over the fuckin phone!”</p><p>“Ray, Language.”</p><p>“Fuck you…”</p><p>Ray was getting closer to me and was right up in my face, I could even feel his breath upon my own lips and was struggling to hold myself together. Also, I was expecting to feel the impact of his fist at any second, Ray was rather volatile after all. Instead, he grabbed hold of my tee shirt and held me there as his voice became even louder.</p><p>“Ray, please let go of me and lower your voice.”</p><p>“I can’t, please don’t make me let go, Frase.”</p><p>I closed my eyes and it was too late to realize it was a mistake, as now all I could see was us in bed and Ray kissing me with that gorgeous mouth of his. He was still talking and his breath felt warm upon my own lips and that was enough to push me over the edge. Within seconds, I grabbed hold of his jacket and pulled him inside. Once done, I slammed him up hard against the kitchen wall and kicked the door shut with my foot. Soon my mouth was upon his and it felt like home. This is what he did to me and he didn’t even realize it, as the man seemed to think so very little of his own looks and body.</p><p>“Frase, whatcha doing?”</p><p>“I would have thought that was obvious, Ray.”</p><p>“Ya can’t do this to me…”</p><p>“I’m only giving you what you want, Ray.”</p><p>With that said, my hands soon started pulling at his jacket until I had it unfastened and off him. Everything was just thrown down on the floor as all I wanted was to feel his naked skin. Then I reached for his jeans and slowly popped the buttons open one by one without even losing contact with his mouth. As this way, Ray was unable to talk and that appealed to me right now, maybe because I was afraid he’d ask me to stop when I knew I couldn’t as I had to do this.</p><p>Then I had to break the kiss as I knelt and pulled his jeans and underwear down, that was when I noticed that Ray too was hard and already leaking precum and wanted this too. So, I kissed a trail back up his body until I was face to face with him once more, and that was when he had to go and open his mouth once more.</p><p>“Frase, what do ya want from me cos this is…”</p><p>“Quiet, Ray.”</p><p>I placed my hand over his mouth and held it there tight, and then it was just like it had been when I’d done that to him back on the Henry Allen ship. He had the same big gorgeous eyes and the eyelashes that fanned out above and beneath them. And that reminded me of how I’d wanted him back then, only to learn he wasn’t who I thought he was, and that truly pissed me off. Ray wasn’t getting out of this now and I’d soon make sure he was too far gone to think, which didn’t take long once my hand found his erection and started stroking it.</p><p>I kept it up for a few minutes and then I dragged him over towards the back of the couch, and then I shoved him forward face first as ran my hand over his backside and pressed against the tight hole that was hidden there.</p><p>“Frase, oh god just fuck me already.”</p><p>“Patience, Ray.”</p><p>Well at least I knew there was no going back now and this was really going to happen, and I wasn’t even concerned that I had nothing close by to make this easier for him. So Ray would have to make do with some good old-fashioned spit as that was the best I could do, I sucked a couple of my own fingers into my mouth and made sure they were wet and then I was ready. He was just as I remembered and my fingers forced their way into his pliant body with hardly any resistance, not that it turned out to be that way for my erection though.</p><p>Ray moaned as I forced myself deep inside him, yet he remained hard throughout and was soon moaning in pleasure and started begging me to do it harder and not to stop. So, I accepted that this was what we both wanted, and for now, I’d have to accept this momentary lapse in my judgment and the decisions I’d made regarding Raymond Kowalski.</p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’d not expected this when I came to see Fraser, not that I was complaining though and fuck was I turned on. As this was all new and a side of him I’d never even seen before. So, underneath the Mountie really could lose it if he chose. Now I could only think about him behind me and how hard he was fucking me, and even his hand was pressed hard against my back so that I wouldn’t move, not that anyone in their right mind would want to.</p><p>This was far better than when Vecchio had lost control and I wanted more, and I never even thought about Fraser and how he might regret what he was doing and having lost control. However, there was one thing I did know, and that was that I’d fight for him as my life was nothing without him. Then all thoughts of anything were temporarily lost as my body shuddered and I came all over the back of the couch, within seconds Frase also came and that was when I realized he was talking to me as he still held me against the couch.</p><p>“I asked you, Ray. I asked you if you’d had any previous male relationships and you lied to me. You lied to my face and said you’d only ever had a couple of one-night stands, and one happened to be a man.”</p><p>“Frase…”</p><p>“Shut up and listen for a change, I lay at home wondering if he’d even come home as I knew he was out there fucking someone, and all that time it was you. It was before I even met you. Ray… all you had to do was tell me the truth and I would have understood and I wouldn’t have held it against you!”</p><p>“Fraser…Ben, please listen…”</p><p>“I was so blinded by your looks and charm… in some ways, it was just the same as Victoria.”</p><p>I shoved Fraser off me and spun around to face him, shit part of me didn’t want to see that look of hate he would have for me now, but there was nowhere to hide and I had to face him. Part of me was also scared that I might lose it and hit him again, something that I’d vowed I’d never do again.</p><p>“Don’t you dare class me the same as that fuckin bitch, I would never do to you what she did.”</p><p>“You hurt me, Ray. I even thanked you for your honesty and you still remained quiet.”</p><p>“So, what the hell was this, Frase?”</p><p>“A momentary loss of sanity.”</p><p>Fraser turned and went into another room without saying another word, while all I could do was re-dress and find something to clean the couch with. As part of me didn’t want to think about what had just happened here now. Especially as it had meant nothing to Fraser, I was here and he’d lost it, and that meant we were back to square one. I had no idea what to do or how to make him trust me, that was when I heard the door and Fraser returned looking all proper again and I knew the walls were back up. I also noticed that he was carrying some blankets too and a pillow, which he just dropped on the couch before turning to me.</p><p>“You can sleep on the couch and then I want you gone as soon as morning arrives.”</p><p>“Fraser, what can I say to make ya understand…”</p><p>“Nothing, I’m the idiot that always falls for what everyone tells me and all the lies.”</p><p>“Frase, I didn’t mean…”</p><p>“Do you know what’s worse, Ray?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I loved you so much and was even willing to die for you, I would have died on that ship so that I wouldn’t have to live without you.”</p><p>Tears were streaming down my face now and I was the one that was the idiot around here, Frase was right and he would have given me anything. I wasn’t so sure now though as I’d heard his words, he’d said loved as in past tense, not love. I sank down onto the couch and hid my face in my hands, one fuckin lie and it was tearing my heart out and my life apart. Why the hell did I have to fall so hard for a stubborn Mountie, not that I could do a damn thing about it now.</p><p>“Goodnight, Ray. Dief it’s time to move…Fine have it your way and yes I’m well aware that you like Ray too.”</p><p>Fraser turned and went into what I presumed the bedroom and he never even looked back, and that was when the tears became out of control and I was grateful to have Dief here with me as I couldn’t have coped alone. No, because I was pathetic and never could cope without someone there for me all the time, and that was when I realized I had nothing to go back home for. What the hell was there waiting for me back in Chicago? All I would have was my job and even that would be a constant reminder of what I’d lost, oh and there would also be Stella and the style pig hitting on each other all the time.</p><p>I lay on the couch and tried to weigh up all my options, and that was when I realized nothing else mattered other than Fraser and I would stay here in Canada. There had to be somewhere I could stay that wasn’t too far from here, that way I could still come back here every day in the hope Fraser would forgive me. Yeah so, I’d lost the plot and was planning to stalk my ex-partner until he caved, shit I was a fuckin cop and that was when I realized I no longer cared and they would have to arrest me before I left here. I’d thought sleep would be impossible with Fraser in the next room, instead I found that it came easy now that I had a plan to claim my Mountie back.</p>
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<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Chapter 21</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was a fool and I should have turned Ray away as soon as I set eyes on him, instead, I’d invited him in and then I’d… That was when it hit me and I couldn’t deny what I’d done, I had wanted him and I’d used him to get rid of that need. I knew that Ray had wanted it too, as underneath that slim frame the man was very agile and could have stopped me if that were what he’d wanted. I’d wanted to make love to him and that thought had scared me so much, and maybe this way it would look more like I was out of control.</p><p>Ray already had issues and that was a problem in itself, I couldn’t let him think that I wanted him anymore in that way either. I’d told Ray that I still loved him and realized that could be a big mistake as he would cling to that, so I’d had to be cruel to be kind as they say. I’d told him that I loved him in the past tense, and I knew from the tears he’d received my message loud and clear. And in the end I’d run away, retreated back to the safety of my bedroom also he would never know that I’d lied to him.</p><p>Oh god, I just realized that in some ways I was no better than him, I had just lied so that I wouldn’t hurt him, and maybe he’d lied so that he wouldn’t hurt me. No, I wasn’t willing to think about that tonight, Ray had lied to protect himself and nothing more, and that was when I also realized I was nothing more than a hypocrite. Not that any of it would matter once Ray had left, and I knew I’d only relax once he was back in Chicago.</p><p>For now, I lay here in my bed and just listened to any noise. I wanted to know if Ray was still here and was too afraid to go look, I guess I was afraid that he might see straight through me and then I’d fall apart. Also, it was nice and warm here in the bed, god and then that made me wonder if Ray had been warm enough during the night as the weather had turned rather cold. Well, I was sure that Dief would have kept him warm and would have ended up on the couch too, he liked Ray a lot and they had formed some sort of bond together, sometimes I wondered if it was their joint love of junk food that brought them closer together.</p><p>Well, I realized that I was just woolgathering now and putting off the inevitable, also my bladder was making itself well known and I knew I had to move. So, I left the warmth of my bed and slowly opened the door, there curled up on the couch and alone lay Dief, who just whined at me and made sure I knew he was upset. Well, that meant just one thing, Ray had actually left and was no longer here in the cabin.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Dief. But you must understand that it’s for the best, I know you’re upset as am I.”</p><p>I made my way into the kitchen to make some breakfast, and that was when my thoughts drifted back to Ray once more. The man was hardly dressed for the weather out here and would need to get somewhere warm, also I had to wonder when he’d last ate too as he was good at missing meals. Out here he would need the food to keep warm and give him energy, that was when I knew I should stop worrying about him as he was a full-grown man, and also he’d be on a warm plane soon enough. So, I tried to forget as I made myself some oatmeal and a warm mug of tea, then I would go out and get some supplies while the roads were still clear and I could drive. My plan was to stock up and then I’d only have to leave once I start back at work, so I grabbed my jacket and called Dief, then I opened the door and found Ray sat on the doorstep.</p><p>“Oh dear, Ray. What are you doing sat out here in the freezing cold?”</p><p>“Just thinking.”</p><p>“Ray, you have to get up and move around, also why haven’t you left yet?”</p><p>“I was too tired ta walk and I didn’t charge my phone, plus I didn’t wanna leave, Frase.”</p><p>“So, you were just going to sit here and freeze to death?”</p><p>“I knew ya would be up sooner or later and would let the wolf out.”</p><p>“You can get in the truck and I will drive you to the nearest town.”</p><p>“Can’t ya get rid of me quick enough, Frase?”</p><p>“Ray, please don’t do this right now.”</p><p>“Sorry.”</p><p>“Just move and get in the truck.”</p><p>We made the journey in silence, and that was worrying considering Ray could talk nonstop at times. I did manage to glance at him now and again though, yet each time I just found him staring out of the window with a lost look upon his gorgeous face. Soon we pulled up and I switched the engine off and turned to face Ray, yet it was as if he hadn’t realized we’d stopped.</p><p>“Ray, Ray, Ray…”</p><p>“Yeah…”</p><p>“We’re here, there’s a dinner there where you can get some warm breakfast and a coffee.”</p><p>“Hmm, coffee sounds good.”</p><p>“Then you need to arrange your flight, Ray. There is also a bed and breakfast should you find yourself needing one, I guess that will depend on how soon you can arrange a flight home.”</p><p>“Is that what ya call it?”</p><p>“Sorry, I don’t understand.”</p><p>“It’s not a home without you, Frase.”</p><p>I rubbed my eyebrow and tried to think of how to answer that, not that I could say anything that would make this better, well other than letting Ray stay and that wasn’t going to happen.</p><p>“Goodbye, Ray.”</p><p>“Yeah, well just remember that I love ya, Frase. I love ya so much that it fuckin hurts and I can’t stand the pain.”</p><p>With that said, Ray just opened the door and got out without even looking back at me, soon I was sat there with just Dief for company and I felt lost. I even remained there and watched as Ray walked over to the diner and away from me, his walk was slow and I noticed his shoulders were hunched too as he walked through the door and out of sight.</p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Chapter 22</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The coffee was good and it warmed me up somewhat, as now I was sat here in this small diner with plenty of time on my hands and nothing to do but wait. Oh, I’d watched and noticed that Fraser had lingered outside in the car park for some time, and it made me wonder about what he was feeling as he’d watched me walk away. Was Fraser having regrets, or was he glad that I was finally going and that he wouldn’t have to see me again? Not that it mattered to me either way, as Fraser would be seeing me very soon as I had a plan and intended to carry it out.</p><p>Okay so it was a stupid plan as plans go, but a man has to do what he has to do and it didn’t involve any planes to Chicago either. First, I went across to the small bed and breakfast and asked if I could have a room for a few nights as I was unsure how long I intended to stay. And it turned out the woman was really kind and even walked me to my room, and then I remembered this was Canada and Canadians were supposedly polite. Well, unless you crossed the Mountie, and then all bets are off.</p><p>Soon I was laying on the bed and just thinking about my life and where it was going, and that was when my thoughts turned back to the previous night and a Mountie that was determined to nail his man, literally to the couch. And then I was lost and couldn’t help myself as my hand slipped inside my jeans and underwear, hell I was already hard just thinking about what Fraser had done to me. So yeah, I jerked off as I thought about Fraser, not that it should have come across as a surprise or anything.</p><p>I was back in that cabin and he had his hand pressed hard over my mouth, fuck and was I turned on as he took control for once. God, and then even more so as he’d shoved me over the couch and practically took what he wanted from me, and believe me I was willing to give him what he wanted and far more too. Just the thought of him entering me and then the pain turning to pleasure as he hit that secret spot, turning me on so much, and then I was coming all over my hand and it was all over once more.</p><p>So now I lay here spent and the depression was starting to slowly seep in once more, how Fraser had suddenly changed and told me he wanted me gone like I was nothing but garbage. Yeah, oh and how he’d wasted no time offering to drive me, yeah drive me away from him and what I truly wanted, that was when I knew it was time to move.</p><p>I ordered a cab to take me back to Fraser’s cabin, well as close as I could get without Fraser hearing or seeing the car, and I figured the walk would do me good too. Which later I was glad of and it helped me warm up somewhat, as this skinny body wasn’t good for keeping in the warmth, and then I thought about Fraser holding me in his arms and how he’d keep me warm or warm me up with his body.</p><p>Okay, time to get my head out of the gutter and do what I came here to do. All I wanted was to be close to Fraser and keep an eye on him without him knowing, so that was what I did. I waited until it was night and he’d turned the lights on, then I could see in and watch as he moved around the cabin until it was late and he finally went into the bedroom. Finally, Fraser climbed into the bed in his usual nightwear, and for some reason, the flash of red turned me on and I couldn’t look away until he had the covers over him.</p><p>Well, there was nothing I could do here now until morning and then I could watch him some more, as it was late now and the cold was starting to seep into my bones. So that was when I went to grab my mobile and call a cab to come and pick me up, hey and at least this time I’d programmed the company’s number into my phone so it was easy to call them from here. Then I realized just how badly I’d fucked up and that I was in the middle of fuckin nowhere freezing my ass off, the reminder had come when the phone beeped and I realized there was no signal. Fuck now what? I could freeze to death or wake Fraser, shit just one look from him and I would freeze over regardless, he would have that look and I wasn’t ready to face that until I’d had some sleep and then I remembered something else, we were in Canada and chances are the doors weren’t even locked</p><p>I decided the door farthest from the bedroom would be my best bet if I wanted to avoid Fraser, great and then I thought about Dief and wondered if he’d bark and possibly wake Fraser up. And in the end, I had no choice, so I opened the rear door as slowly as possible and found myself inside a small kitchen and that was when my stomach rumbled, maybe a growing man did need more than just coffee and toast in a day. Luckily the noise had only raised concern with Dief, yet he slowly walked into the kitchen and I wondered if he’d known it was me all along, then he was jumping up and trying to lick my face.</p><p>“Yeah it’s good ta see ya too Dief, come on we don’t wanna wake Frase or he’ll be pissed with us both, me for been here and you for not telling him.”</p><p>Dief just whined and then followed me into the main room, and there on the couch lay the folded bedding that Fraser had let me use last night. I figured what the hell and kicked off my boost before removing my jacket, soon I was on the couch fast asleep with the wolf curled up and keeping my feet warm.</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Chapter 23</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I woke and was glad to get out of bed today, especially as the dreams regarding Ray were becoming a nightly thing and everything was far too fresh right now and I didn’t want to be reminded of what I’d lost for some time, well if ever. Ray had claimed that it was a spur of the moment thing and he’d lied without even thinking, now I had to wonder if he’d have lied about the storage room had I not walked in. Well, none of that mattered now as it was all in the past, I had to concentrate on the here and now and that meant letting Dief outside.</p><p>That was when I walked into the room and saw the blanket on my couch and the outline of a body underneath, straight away I knew who it was without even thinking. Mainly because Dief was curled up fast asleep on the said body, and also there was some blond hair poking out of the blanket.</p><p>“Ray, Ray, Ray…wake up.”</p><p>“Whoa, what the hell…”</p><p>“Yes, I was wondering that myself, would you care to explain why you’re on my couch, and also what the hell you are doing in my cabin for that matter?”</p><p>“No signal, so I couldn’t call home.”</p><p>“Ray, sit up and talk to me in English, please.”</p><p>“I had no signal and couldn’t call a cab, so it was this or die here in freezer land.”</p><p>“Well, I wouldn’t want you to die, Ray. But…”</p><p>“Gee thanks, Frase.”</p><p>“Ray, that doesn’t explain what you were doing here in the first place.”</p><p>“I dunno what to do without ya, Frase. So, I just sorta watched you for a bit, please don’t make me leave and go back home.”</p><p>“Ray, this is harassment, you watch me without me knowing and then enter my home without my consent. Also, what would you have done if the doors were locked and you couldn’t get in, would you have tried waking me?”</p><p>“I don’t know…”</p><p>“Ray, I’ve had to take a mild sleeping pill at night as I’m struggling to sleep, chances are you wouldn’t have woken me and you would have had to stay out there in the cold,”</p><p>“So, it woulda been worth it.”</p><p>“Oh, for heaven’s sake, you would have died out there, Ray.”</p><p>“And, what’s it matter to ya, Frase, it’s not like ya give a shit or anything.”</p><p>“Is that what you really think, Ray? So, you think opening my door and finding your dead body wouldn’t have bothered me.”</p><p>“I wasn’t thinking…”</p><p>“Ray, do you actually care whether you live or die?”</p><p>“I don’t know.”</p><p>“How about for just once in your life, you actually be honest with me.”</p><p>“Fuck you, Frase, I fuckin lied once so get over it, and no I don’t give a flying fuck whether I live or die so there ya go, put that in yer pipe and smoke it.”</p><p>“You can’t do this to me, Ray. You can’t blackmail me like that so I’ll let you stay, as I guarantee, no relationship would work on those grounds.”</p><p>“Whatcha talkin about, Frase?”</p><p>“You threaten to kill yourself in the hope I take you back…”</p><p>“I never threatened to kill myself, Frase, I said I don’t care if I live or die.”</p><p>“Look I’ll call you a cab, as this has to end right here and now, Ray.”</p><p>“Whatever, and I did only lie to ya the once, Frase…”</p><p>“Ray, can I ask you something before you go?”</p><p>“Anything.”</p><p>“I was… we were lovers when you and Ray were in that storage room making out…”</p><p>“Fuckin, Frase. Just spit it out will ya, as it sure as hell won’t kill ya.”</p><p>“Would you have told me about it if I hadn’t walked in and seen you, or would you have lied about that too?”</p><p>“Jeez, what the hell do ya take me for, someone must have really fucked with yer head in the past, Frase. I would have told you because I love you and it should never have happened, we were together and I love you, Frase.”</p><p>“Thank you kindly, Ray.”</p><p>The cab arrived and I was soon alone once more, well apart from Dief and he was all the company I would need for the foreseeable future. Ray was right in a way and my head was well and truly messed up. And that made me realize the single life was the only way I would ever cope, as I didn’t trust anyone anymore and that was a fail in any relationship. Then over the course of the next couple of days I thought I was losing it, every time I went outside, I would swear that I caught glimpses of Ray here and there, and maybe I did need some help after all. So that night I decided to call Ray Vecchio as I really had to talk to someone other than Dief, someone who would maybe believe me and not think I’d gone mad.</p><p>“Ray, can you spare the time to talk.”</p><p>“Anytime for you, Benny.”</p><p>“I need you to find out if Ray has returned to the station, or even returned to Chicago for that matter.”</p><p>“You mean Stanley.”</p><p>“Ray, please don’t call him that as you know he doesn’t like it.”</p><p>“Sorry I couldn’t resist, so what’s up anyway and why the need to know.”</p><p>“Because I fear I have a hole in my bag of marbles. Ray. Every time I turn around, he’s there.”</p><p>“When was the last time you saw him, as no one here knew where he went when he left.”</p><p>“He came to Canada and has been harassing me since his arrival.”</p><p>“Did you tell him where to go?”</p><p>“I think I made it worse, I wanted him and I just used him that first night.”</p><p>“Oh, Benny…”</p><p>“It was a momentary lapse in judgment and it should never have happened, Ray.”</p><p>“Well Kowalski’s a loose cannon at the moment, also he’ll have to deal with an assault charge too when he decides to show back up.”</p><p>“What happened, Ray, who did he assault as it’s not like him to actually act out on his threats.?”</p><p>“He hit me, Benny. He just waited for me outside the station and I didn’t have time to react.”</p><p>“What, and you never provoked him?”</p><p>“Maybe I mentioned something along the lines of everyone dumping him.”</p><p>“Oh dear, well thank you for telling me, Ray.”</p><p>“I’d never lie to you, Benny. Oh, and I’ll call you tomorrow with regards to Stanley and whether he returned or not.”</p><p>I hung up the phone and vowed that I would have to be more vigilant with regards to Ray, the weather was changing for the worse and it was far too cold for Ray to be hanging around outside, well that’s if it was him. The following day I decided to take a trip into town, maybe make myself an easy target so to speak, that way I could see if Ray really was following me or whether I was going mad.</p><p>It was good to get out of the cabin too, and it also meant I could stock up on some more supplies while I was here, The first stop was the local hardware store for some more nails and other bits and pieces, I wanted to be prepared for any damage that winter may cause. Then I had that feeling of someone watching me and turned around fast, I would have sworn that I saw someone with blond hair turn the corner rather fast and I couldn’t resist taking a look, but I turned the corner to find no one and that worried me.</p><p>Well, there was nothing I could do other than pay for my goods and then leave, and that was when I decided a warm mug of tea was what I needed to calm my nerves before I really lost it. The diner was warm inside and I soon found a table right at the back along with Dief, that was one of the things I loved about coming home, most places had no problem with Dief and allowed him in. Okay, maybe with the exception of the hardware store, but the owner did have an allergy to dogs so I couldn’t blame him.</p><p>The tea was good and I soon relaxed, I’d chosen a seat that was around a corner and out of sight as I wanted some time to get my head together, I had to figure out what was wrong with me and why I saw Ray everywhere. That was when I heard the bell over the diner’s door and at first, I thought nothing of it, well until Dief got up and rushed off. Then I grabbed my hat and went to follow him before he got himself in trouble, as I turned the corner, I saw Dief sat at a table whining and then I looked up to see Ray. I stood there for a few seconds and then some form of rage took over and I knew this had to end right now, so I went over and yanked him up from the chair and held him there.</p><p>“What the hell are you doing, Ray, and why the hell are you following me and trying to drive me mad?”</p><p>“Frase, look I’m not trying to drive ya mad…and I just wanted to see ya that’s all.”</p><p>“It’s harassment, plain and simple. Ray. You will return to Chicago or I myself will have you charged, do you understand me, is this getting through to you as to how serious this is?”</p><p>“Yeah, I get it and I know ya hate me now…”</p><p>“Ray, don’t walk out like this… I don’t hate you!”</p><p>“Just get yer hands off me so I can go.”</p><p>So I did as he asked and watched him walk away once more, then I phoned the airlines and used my position within the RMCP to get what I wanted, and that was to be notified if a Detective Kowalski boarded one of their planes. That done, I called Dief to come and made the journey back to my own cabin where I wouldn’t have to hide my feelings from anyone. I knew that Ray loved me and was finding all of this hard, yet I couldn’t understand how he was willing to do what he was doing and risk arrest.</p><p>I tried not to think about any of it as it was beyond my control and I had to hope he left this time, there was also a message on my answering machine from Lieutenant Welsh informing me that Ray had not returned to Chicago, well by now I’d sure as hell figured that one out for myself. Then night came and so did the tears, and I had to wonder if Ray was right and that it was me that had something wrong with them, as I seemed unable to forgive him despite the fact I loved him.</p><p>Then morning came and I soon realized we was back to square one, as I’d opened my door to find Ray sat outside in the bitter cold temperatures. And all I could think to do was shut the door and shut him out, maybe he would get the message and return back to the town or even Chicago. Well, I got my wish and he finally got up and just walked away, and I looked at the clock and felt a cold dread pass over me when I realized how long he’d sat out there. If Ray kept this up, well let’s just say he would be dead within a week, and now I knew I would have to resort to extreme measures so that Ray would remain safe and well, also I knew that he would hate me for this but it had to be done.</p><p>I called Lieutenant Welsh and voiced my concern over the safety of his detective, I also pointed out the fact I knew about the assault charge made by Ray Vecchio and wanted to know if he would be willing to use it to help me out, and possibly save Ray’s life in the process. Oh, he moaned about doing it and how it was morally wrong, and how he would have thought better of a Mountie. And I was just about to give up hope when he finally agreed to what I wanted; he would do whatever it took to get Detective Kowalski home.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Chapter 24</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next morning I was up and out of bed early and that was so unlike me, and right now I just felt really good and couldn’t wait to see Fraser once more. And to be honest, that was all it would be as he’d made his point when he shut the door on me as if I weren’t even there. First, I decided to grab a quick shower and then I’d dress and be on my way, and this time I would call a cab to take me there too as it was getting far too cold to be walking to Fraser’s cabin.</p><p>The shower felt really good on my skin and also eased my aching muscles, while my hand took care of the other ache that I had. Just thinking about Fraser and imagining it was his hand upon me, stroking me with those gorgeous hands, and then he would play with my balls and maybe even take me in his mouth. Oh yeah, the thought of Fraser on his knees was a huge turn on and soon I was coming all over my hand. Then I let the shower wash away all the evidence before turning it off and getting out, then I dressed and went to deal with my unruly hair in the mirror, and that was when I heard someone knock on the door a couple of times and I presumed it was the landlady.</p><p>“Jeez, hold ya horses will ya…”</p><p>Then the banging started once again and I yanked the door open and was pissed off, I was just about to come out with some sarcastic remark and then I was silenced by the sight that met me. There stood Fraser, along with Huey and Dewy.</p><p>“What the fuck…”</p><p>“Language, Ray.”</p><p>“Will ya stop doin that, ya do it every time I’m having a fuckin major crisis.”</p><p>“Ray, Huey and Dewy are here to escort you back to Chicago.”</p><p>“You can’t be serious, like fuck am I goin back, Frase and ya can’t make me either.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Ray. Stanley Raymond Kowalski, I am arresting you for the assault on a police officer and also…”</p><p>“What, no…Just shut the hell up will ya, as I damn well never hit ya!”</p><p>“Ray, if you will please let me finish. I’m arresting you for the assault of Detective Vecchio, and going AWOL while you were undercover.”</p><p>“Hey, I’m not missing and I even booked the time off, also Vecchio asked for what he got.”</p><p>I stepped back into the room and then turned my back as I couldn’t be dealing with this right now, also I knew a setup when I smelt one as I am a detective after all. Then Frase had the nerve to follow me inside and that was when I saw the cuffs and knew what his intention was, well fuck them all. I shoved Fraser away from me and he did the same back to me and soon I was thankful the bed was behind me, especially as I lost my balance and fell onto it. Then Fraser was on top of me and had me pinned here by his weight, and that was when a certain part of my body decided it liked Fraser looming over me with the cuffs in his hand.</p><p>“Ya kept that quiet, Frase.”</p><p>“Sorry, I don’t understand, Ray.”</p><p>“Ya never mentioned you were into bondage and stuff, Kinky is a good look for ya, Frase.”</p><p>“Oh, dear…”</p><p>“Yeah, ya can say that again, Frase.”</p><p>“Ray, please don’t make this any harder than it is.”</p><p>Shit the Mountie was one sneaky fucker, he’d managed to keep me distracted and slipped the cuffs on before I even realized what he was doing, and then he just grabbed my arms and pulled me back up onto my feet. Now all I could do was stand here and watch as he packed what few things I’d brought with me, he also handed my passport over to Dewy and then turned back towards me before speaking.</p><p>“I will be the one escorting you to the airport, Ray. Once there, Huey and Dewy will take over and escort you throughout the trip and then take you to see Lieutenant Welsh. Then it will be up to him as to what will happen next, also your passport will remain with him until he sees fit to return it to you. Do you understand everything I’ve said, Ray?”</p><p>“So, why the hell does Welsh get ta keep my passport?”</p><p>“To stop you doing something stupid, Ray. As you will be arrested straight away if you try returning to Canada.”</p><p>“You sneaky fuckin bastard, I bet this was all yer idea to get rid of me…”</p><p>“It was either that or watch you slowly kill yourself, I do still love you, Ray, no matter what you think or whether you believe me.”</p><p>“Jeez and I thought I was fucked up, especially if this is how ya treat someone ya love.”</p><p>“Ray, please just behave and don’t put up a fight and this will be okay.”</p><p>“Nothing will ever be okay, Frase.”</p><p>I decided to remain quiet for now and stay that way until we were out of the bed and breakfast, not that I could do a runner with the cuffs and Frasers’s hand on my shoulder, and soon I found myself in the back of a car with Fraser sat next to me and that was when I broke down. I couldn’t stop the tears and kept my head down hoping no one would notice, shit I had to work with Huey and Dewy and I’d never live this down. However, Fraser’s hand rested on my arm and I knew he’d realized I was crying and he never said anything in front of the others, yet it felt as if my arm was on fire where his hand lay.</p><p>I had no idea how long the drive was to the airport as I was lost in my own little world, one filled with pain and no Fraser, and that just made the depression even worse. I was in a bad way when Huey finally announced that we had arrived, as his announcement brought a fresh wave of tears when I realized I’d never see Fraser again. Chances were, he wouldn’t come looking for me in Chicago and I couldn’t return to Canada any time soon. Then I heard Fraser tell them that he’d like a moment alone with me, so I just sat there as Huey and Dewey both got out of the car and closed the doors behind them.</p><p>“Ray, Ray, Ray…”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Please look at me, I need you to promise me that you will look after yourself.”</p><p>“I love ya, Frase, and you say ya love me… so we should be together!”</p><p>“Yes I love you and I won’t deny that I want to be with you and then I think about how you lied and I realize it wouldn’t work.”</p><p>“Only because ya won’t give us a chance…”</p><p>“Maybe I have my own demons to deal with, Ray. I’m so sorry, look you have to go now, you have to go back to Chicago and your job.”</p><p>“What’s the point?”</p><p>“Because you are a fine detective and people need you, Ray.”</p><p>“Yeah, just not the person I want to need me.”</p><p>Fraser stepped out of the car and then got in behind the wheel, and then I was told to get out and was left in the hands of the duck boys as Fraser drove away. Once on the plane, I mainly slept and kept myself to myself as I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone, then finally we landed and they already had a car there waiting for them, and that just reminded me about my own car and how it would need collecting too. Not that I could worry about that now as soon we arrived at the station, and I was still cuffed as they led me towards Welsh’s office. So yeah, everyone in the station would get a laugh at my expense and know all about my trip to Canada, and I guess I should be lucky that Vecchio wasn’t here as that would be far worse.</p><p>Soon I was led into his room and noticed that he wasn’t here, maybe I could pray that he was off sick or something and I wouldn’t have to face him today, and then I realized he’d never taken a sick day in all the time I’d known him. Well my hopes were dashed as the door opened and he walked in, at first, he was looking at a file he was carrying and then he looked up and saw me, that was when he ordered Huey and Dewy to get out of his office before sitting behind the desk.</p><p>“Detective Kowalski, what am I going to do with you?”</p><p>“Maybe remove the cuffs and let me go home, we could just pretend none of this happened…”</p><p>“If it were that easy, not that anything is easy when it comes to you, Detective. I’m sure you know all about the charges and why you were brought back?”</p><p>“Yeah, bullshit charges that ya all made up just to keep the Mountie happy.”</p><p>“Watch your mouth, detective. You were brought back because you have a habit of pissing people off, Detective Vecchio claims that you assaulted him in the car park before you left, is that true?”</p><p>“He asked for it.”</p><p>“Well, I guess that just answered my question, also you were brought back because Constable Fraser was about to press charges against you too, and he was only going to do it as a last resort. So yes, between us we arranged to have you brought back before you ended up losing your job or getting locked up in Canada.”</p><p>“So, it was just a case of help the Mountie and fuck Kowalski, as that’s what it sounds like to me.”</p><p>“No, it was also to help you, Detective Kowalski, as you seemed hell-bent on killing yourself while you were out there. Don’t ever question me as the decision was to protect one of my best officers, despite you giving me a reason to question my judgment at times.”</p><p>“So, what happens now then?”</p><p>“You will be suspended until the allegation against you can be dealt with, maybe you would do well to get on Vecchio’s good side and he might drop charges.”</p><p>“Yeah right, the man hates me with a passion.”</p><p>“Yeah, it would appear so, look I’ll remove the cuffs and then you can go home and get some rest. And as you have time, maybe you could use it wisely and get that head of yours sorted out.”</p><p>“Yeah, thanks, Lieu.”</p><p>The first thing I did was order a cab to take me back to the airport, all I wanted was my own car back and then I could go back to my apartment, well maybe after I’d made a stop at the local liquor store. It was over an hour later when I had my own car back and a strong bottle of vodka, and for some reason, I really didn’t want to go home right now. Knowing my luck Stella would be there or she could even be there with Vecchio and that thought just pissed me off. So, I found the nearest car park and just parked up, as I could just get drunk and then sleep it off in my car before driving home.</p><p>The vodka burnt as I wasn’t really that big of a drinker, well apart from the times where everyone kept leaving me and then all bets were off. The booze helped me forget the pain and how low I felt, yet for some reason, it wasn’t working this time as the more I drank, the more depressed I became. Shit, I’d rather be dead than have to spend a lifetime alone, just the thought of never seeing Fraser again pushed me over the edge and I had to find a way out. That was when I realized my car was the perfect way to do it, all I had to do was drive away from the city and the rest would be easy. I had to find somewhere that I’d be alone and wouldn’t be a risk to anyone else, as it was only my own life I planned to end tonight.</p><p>I was drunk and everything was a major struggle, yet I got it in my head that I had to let Fraser know I loved him and it wasn’t his fault and he wasn’t to blame himself, In the end, I practically emptied the glove box in the search of a pen and some paper, yeah, some detective I made, and Fraser always said I’d find things faster if I kept things clean. Well, this was my car and I no longer cared anyway, okay maybe part of me felt guilty about writing off the car after all my father’s hard work, shit I must be more fucked up than I thought. Yeah, I’m sure my father would be more worried about me than the car, then I realized someone would have to go and tell them and I knew how hard that job was.</p><p>Not that anything mattered now, I wrote a note and threw it on the passenger seat before downing the rest of the vodka. Only then did I start the engine back up, as it was time to see just what this baby really could do. I put the pedal to the metal and the wheels spun as I tore out of the car park, and was thankful the roads were quiet and this wouldn’t take too long. It was only sometime later I saw the flashing lights and realized there was a cop car behind me, fuck it was then I realized I’d jumped a few sets of red lights. Fuck it, I could either pull over or play a game of chase with some cop until I lost control of the car. Ha, I was a cop after all and pulled over like a good little citizen, and it was only as my car door was yanked open that I wished I’d gone with the chase instead.</p><p>“You fuckin idiot, are you trying to get yourself killed Kowalski?”</p><p>“Fuck you, Vecchio.”</p><p>“Out of the car now, you know the drill.”</p><p>I forced myself to get out and that was when the cool air made my head spin and I struggled to stay upright, then suddenly Vecchio shoved me against the car and started searching me.</p><p>“Don’t ya be copping a feel Vecchio, just remember I know what yer like?”</p><p>“Shut it, just stand there and don’t move. Also, I wouldn’t touch you even if you were the last man alive, Stanley.”</p><p>“Fuckin stupid bastard.”</p><p>“Yeah, you’d know all about that.”</p><p>Now all I could do was struggle to stand as Vecchio started searching the car, and that was when he found the empty bottle of vodka on the passenger seat and sounded really pissed off with me. Vecchio was even talking to himself as he searched, or maybe he was talking to me and I was just ignoring him, as I was far too drunk to give a shit about the man and what he thought of me. Then he suddenly stopped talking right in the middle of a sentence, and he was fast as he got out of the car and grabbed me by my jacket.</p><p>“Did you fuckin mean this, shit is that why you were out here getting drunk and jumping red lights.”</p><p>“Mean what, what the fuck are ya talking about, Vecchio?”</p><p>“The fuckin note you left for Benny, shit you were going to kill yourself and tell him in a fuckin note. Don’t you think he deserves better than that?”</p><p>“Well, ya always said he deserved better than me, so what did ya expect.”</p><p>“You smug little fucker…”</p><p>I could feel my hand curl into a fist and was starting to become real twitchy around Vecchio, and I think he’d noticed as he let go of me and took a step back, And yeah maybe I was a smug little fucker, that or I was too stupid and too drunk to realize what I was doing until it was too late. I moved forward and into his personal space and took a swing for him and missed, within seconds I was shoved back against the car and his fist connected with my jaw.</p><p>“You deserved that, Kowalski. Just get the fuck in my car and I will drive you home.”</p><p>“Are ya arresting me or something?”</p><p>“Get in the car willingly and I won’t, piss me off and I’ll take you to the two seven.”</p><p>“Yeah, I get yer point.”</p><p>I sat in the passenger seat and watched as Vecchio returned to my car and grabbed something, then he locked it and pocketed my keys before returning to his own car. As for me, I decided it was best to remain silent, and my head was way too gone now and I couldn’t stay awake much longer. I must have drifted to sleep and when I opened my eyes I wasn’t where I expected to be, this was Vecchio’s home and not mine.</p><p>“What the hell are we doing here?”</p><p>“Cool it, Kowalski. We need to talk and I can’t do that until you fully sober up.”</p><p>“I ain’t got nothin' to say to ya so just take me home.”</p><p>“Well, it’s either me you talk to or Welsh, either way, I have no intention of letting you out of my sight.”</p><p>“So ya expect me to sleep here?”</p><p>“Whoa the penny finally dropped, you sleep here, and then we can talk in the morning.”</p><p>“I can’t ya have family, shit the same family that was once mine for so long.”</p><p>“Yeah, and I’m sure Ma will be pleased to see you; chances are she’ll want to fatten you up though.”</p><p>“Do I have a choice?”</p><p>No, so just get the hell out of my car, Stanley.”</p><p>“I hate you.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know.”</p><p>Vecchio took me to one of the spare bedrooms and told me to sleep, he would see me in the morning and we would discuss my actions and how I’d planned to leave Fraser alone. How the fuck would it be any different from now, as I was already as good as dead to Benton Fraser.</p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Chapter 25</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’d hardly eaten anything since returning home from the airport, and it wasn’t because I was worried about whether Ray had returned or not. Lieutenant Welsh had called me straight away to let me know that Ray was back in Chicago, oh and also that he was suspended until the matter with Vecchio was taken care of. So, Ray had gone back and had nothing at all and I knew he would struggle to cope, Ray wasn’t too good if he didn’t have something to focus on and keep his mind busy, and Ray was good at what he did and his job had kept him focused.</p><p>Then I guess there were my own actions to take into account too, I’d banished him from my life and even made sure he had no way of coming back to me either. I’d just tossed him away as if he were nothing and I knew it was wrong, especially as Ray was the type that would now believe that I’d never loved him, as how could I do that to someone I claim to still be in love with. At the end of the day, it was his actions and the stalking that had pushed me over the edge, and in some ways, it reminded me of Victoria and how she’d gone out of her way to follow me.</p><p>Part of me wanted to apologize to Ray for my behavior, yet there was also a part of me that knew it was the wrong time to make any form of contact with my ex-lover. Just the thought of Ray as my lover and what we had shared made my body ache with need, and that was when I decided enough was enough and I’d have an early night and deal with my problem. And it was only as I lay in bed that I realized I had far more problems than getting myself off, especially as I only came when I imagined that it was his hand on me, or his talented mouth as he sucked me deep inside the warm heat. I’d even cried out his name and it was only Dief growling that made me realize what I’d done, yes, I’d managed to get Ray out of my life, but he’d always remain inside my head.</p><p>So, I accepted what would be and lay here thinking about his gorgeous smile and how he’d had it from the very first day, the same man that had taken a bullet for me and that was before he even knew about my relationship with Vecchio. Then I remembered the last time we’d had sex together, how I’d forced him over the couch and taken control as I’d taken what I wanted from him, not that I felt too guilty as Ray seemed to be extremely turned on by my actions and I wondered about that, then I realized that the phone was ringing and all my fantasies would have to wait until later. Very few people would call me on an evening and that made me wonder who it could be, so I picked up the phone to see who was bothering me at this hour.</p><p>“Constable Benton Fraser speaking, how may I help you?”</p><p>“Jeez, you’re not at work, Benny.”</p><p>“Ray, it’s so good to hear your voice again, and I do hope that everything is well with you.”</p><p>“Benny, we need to talk.”</p><p>“As you wish, Ray, may I enquire as to the nature of this talk?”</p><p>“Yeah, I need to talk to you about Kowalski.”</p><p>“Why, what has he done now, he hasn’t tried leaving the country has he?”</p><p>“Benny, look he’s okay and he’s at my house in bed.”</p><p>“Ah, I see, are you telling me that Stella Kowalski is now out of the picture.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Well, you did say that Ray was now in your bed, I do think it’s a little cruel to call me and tell me though, Ray.”</p><p>“Benny, you’re my friend and I wouldn’t do that to you. And I said he was in bed in my house, I never said he was in my bed!”</p><p>“Understood, I do apologize for jumping to conclusions, Ray.”</p><p>“Yeah whatever, Kowalski’s here because I made him come here and sleep off the booze he knocked back, and after what he…”</p><p>“So, he’s resorted to drinking again…”</p><p>“Benny, you’re doing it again. Just listen will you and stop talking until I’ve said what needs to be said.”</p><p>“Understood, as you were, Ray.”</p><p>“Look I’m sorry too, Benny, and I guess I’m just trying to avoid telling you…”</p><p>“Ray…”</p><p>“He was going to kill himself, Frase…”</p><p>“Ray, did he tell you this? Maybe it was just the drink.”</p><p>“Benny, he’d drank a whole bottle of strong vodka and was speeding in his car at the time. Hell, I only stopped him because he ran a couple of red lights. Then I checked inside the car and found a note for you. Benny, I’ve seen people like this and I’m telling you he’d be dead if I hadn’t pulled him over.”</p><p>I didn’t even know how to answer as my heart sped up and I felt dizzy, my hand gripped the receiver as tight as possible and I actually thought I was going to pass out. I could hear Ray talking in the distance and couldn’t coordinate my brain and mouth to respond to him, and it hurt so much because I knew he would be worried about me. Then that was when something else hit me, I’d come home and there was no one here to talk to as everyone I knew was back in Chicago.</p><p>“Benny, are you still there…Talk to me, Benny, tell me you’re okay?”</p><p>“I’m here, Ray. I just needed a minute to clear my head that’s all.”</p><p>“That’s understandable, I just thought you had a right to know, Benny.”</p><p>“I’m glad you told me, Ray, Look, I need you to do something for me if you will…”</p><p>“Anything, just name it.”</p><p>“Look after him and keep him safe, and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”</p><p>“Yeah, I can do that, one just one condition, Benny.”</p><p>“What would that be, Ray?”</p><p>“We sit down and you talk to me, and you do it before you see Kowalski.”</p><p>“Understood, and thank you kindly, Ray.”</p><p>“Anytime, Benny.”</p><p>I hung up and just sat here thinking about what could have happened, and I knew the world without Ray in it was one I didn’t want to live in. So, on that note, I finally motivated myself and made a few calls to work and the airport, then I looked around the cabin and packed up what few belongings I owned, I even packed up the photo of Ray that I kept under my pillow. Then I took one last look at the place and walked out, who knows, maybe one day I might have a reason to come back here without all the pain.</p><p>The airport was rather empty as it was now early hours of the morning and I was glad, I still had a headache and my mind was all over the place right now, and I was also struggling to pay attention to anyone that spoke to me. Then there was Dief, who unfortunately would have to travel separate from me and wouldn’t arrive in Chicago for a couple of days. I guess I was really feeling alone now and it was a feeling I didn’t like, so I thought about Ray and how he must be feeling now, also about how he must have felt to even consider taking his own life.</p><p>There was a part of me that also felt angry when I thought about Ray and what he’d done, did he even realize what the news would have done to me. Chances were, it would have been left to Ray Vecchio to tell me, or maybe he would have just handed over the note and let me read it for myself. That was when I realized he’d never said what was in the note, or how Ray had sounded when he wrote it. Well, I would keep to my part of the agreement and I would have that talk with Ray Vecchio, as I had a few questions of my own that required some answers.</p><p>Slowly I drifted into a restless sleep and dreamt about Ray, how he was always there for me and I trusted him with my life, and then the dream changed and he was screaming at me. Ray was screaming that I never trusted him and how I wouldn’t trust him over his lie, which was actually him lying by omission. Then he was screaming at me, telling me that I never loved him and would rather he be dead. Ray was drinking and then he got into his car and sped off down the street, then I myself woke up when the car crashed into a tree.</p><p>I looked around and was thankful that none of the passengers were complaining about my screaming, a few were giving me plenty of dirty looks though. At the time the dream had felt so real and I thought I’d lost him; it was just like that first day and the time on the mountain all over again and that was something I never wanted to happen. To look at his face and think he might be dead, just the thought of having to bury him and know he was gone. Knowing someone is alive means there’s always hope and the possibility of things changing, death is so final and there will never be that chance to get it right or even see that person again.</p><p>Finally, the plane landed and I was now stood outside the airport, I even yawned and rubbed my thumb over my eyebrow as I considered my options. I could walk or call a cab, and I knew deep down that the quicker I got there the better, mainly because I knew Ray would put up a fight and leave as soon as he’d sobered up, and a cab was okay as I didn’t have Dief with me.</p><p>The cab ride didn’t take long at all and I sat there thinking of what I’d say to Ray, how could I tell him that I was having major doubts with regards to what happened back in Canada. Well first, I would talk to my best friend and see what he could tell me. I knocked on the door and it was Vecchio himself that answered the door and let me in, and the first thing I did was throw my arms around him and start crying.</p><p>“Shit, Benny. Just come with me and sit down while I get you a drink.”</p><p>Ray led me into a study and told me to take a seat on the couch, and then he was suddenly pushing a glass into my hand and telling me to drink it without arguing about it. Well, he was my friend and I knew he was trying his damn hardest to help me, and I admit I wasn’t the easiest person to be around at times either. So, I dutifully swallowed the drink despite the fact it felt like it was burning my throat and stomach.</p><p>“Where is he, Ray?”</p><p>“Still in the bedroom, he did come out and ask for a coffee and some meds so he’s okay.”</p><p>“Can I see him?”</p><p>“Benny, let’s just talk first. You need to hear a few truths whether you like it or not.”</p><p>“Understood, Ray.”</p><p>“There’s no easy way to say this, Benny. Look you claim that what happened was a lack of judgment, well maybe it was the same for Stanley too. He made a split-second decision not to tell you we’d slept together, I guess he loves you and was scared you’d react badly to the news. And yeah, at first maybe he did want to get back at me but look how I treat him, I dropped him like he was nothing, Benny.”</p><p>“I guess I did overreact, I couldn’t understand why he’d never told me he knew you from day one, but as you say, you did just dump him and chances are he was upset.”</p><p>“Benny, the man loves with his whole heart, he fell in love with Stella and he gave her his heart. Then he gave it to you, Benny. The man loves you so much and would never intentionally hurt you, he would rather die than see you suffer.”</p><p>“Oh dear, I’m an idiot and I let my past cloud my judgment, I couldn’t even see what was right under my nose until I’d nearly lost him.”</p><p>“He needs you, Benny. The man has lost so much, and I’m surprised he’s still here considering I made a case against him for assault and then I went and hit him.”</p><p>“You did what?”</p><p>“Hey he was drunk and went to hit me first, so I guess we're even now.”</p><p>“What about the assault charge, Ray?”</p><p>“I’ve already dropped the charge, but Welsh won’t take him back until he sobers up and loses the death wish. Someone that wants to die wouldn’t last long on the streets as a cop, he would find a way out or get someone else to do it, and there’s plenty of people out there that would soon put a bullet in a cop.”</p><p>“Understood, I just need to see him and explain few things to him.”</p><p>“Come on then, we can go see if he’s awake and ready to talk.”</p><p>“Very well, also I would like to see the letter he wrote too.”</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll get it soon.”</p><p>I followed Ray upstairs and he led me to one of the spare bedrooms, as soon as he opened the door, we both realized Ray was long gone and must have slipped out when no one was looking. Ray checked, but even his coat and shoes were gone and I was just thankful he didn’t have his gun as Welsh would now have it.</p><p>“Ray, we have to find him.”</p><p>All I could do was sit there as Ray called the station and issued an all points bulletin on Ray and the GTO, maybe he’d decided to go collect his car and just needed some space, as the other option wasn’t even an option I wanted to consider right now.</p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Chapter 26</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I couldn’t believe that Vecchio had pulled me for running a couple of red lights, the bastard would have recognized the car and would have done it on purpose. Yeah, and worse was him finding the note and taking me back to his place. Just the thought of staying here made me sick and it felt wrong, especially as last time I was staying here as him. Then I wake and have to deal with his ma and her trying to force-feed me, well on the upside Frannie wasn’t around to make my life worse than it already was. I was sure she’d take great pleasure making me feel like nothing, especially as Fraser had dumped me and was single again.</p><p>I actually was glad that he wasn’t here in Chicago, as Frannie would be moving in and throwing herself at him. Shit, I knew I was hungover and it really wasn’t fair to blame her for everything as she was a good person and was always there for me when I needed her. Well, I was sober enough to leave now and thankfully Vecchio had left my car keys near the bed, so I dressed and would go tell him that I was leaving, I’d just made it down the stairs when I overheard their voices and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, especially as it turned out Vecchio had called the fuckin cavalry.</p><p>Well fuck this and fuck Vecchio, I made as little noise as possible and slipped out of the back door without them even noticing me. Then I thought about last night and realized I remembered very little other than Vecchio pulling me over, for the life of me I couldn’t remember what street I was on when he pulled me over, and that meant I had no idea where my fuckin car was.</p><p>So, I did the thing I always did and went to see the one person who I’d known for years and had shared a life with, despite the fact that Stella now hated me and was also seeing Vecchio. Well, I guess I’d given her plenty of reason to be pissed off with me today, well considering I was the idiot that had decided to turn up on her doorstep drunk. And to be honest, I was surprised that she hadn’t slammed the door in my face.</p><p>“Stell…”</p><p>“Ray, what are you doing here?”</p><p>“I just wanna talk, Stell.”</p><p>“Ray, you know that you shouldn’t have come here now I’m with someone else.”</p><p>“Yeah, I know all about you and Vecchio, hey when did ya last speak to him anyway?”</p><p>“When he left here yesterday morning, not that I see it’s any of your business.”</p><p>I did the math in my head, and it took me a minute to figure out what day it was due to the alcohol. So, it would appear that she wouldn’t know about the little adventure I had in my car last night and that was good, now I just had to hope she didn’t call Vecchio and tell him I was here. Finally, she let me in and then told me to take a seat on the couch and I started thinking that this might be a mistake after all. Stella was the type that would tell you what she thought, also she was the type that would demand answers too.</p><p>“Ray, you have five minutes to tell me what’s going on as this is not like you.”</p><p>“What’s not like me?”</p><p>“The drink for one.”</p><p>“I guess it helps me forget everything…”</p><p>“Ray, you really have to move on and stop clinging to people when things end.”</p><p>“I got over ya, so ya should be pleased, Stell.”</p><p>“Yes, I know, and what about Fraser?”</p><p>“He hates me and he had me kicked outta Canada, he only came back cos he’s afraid his rep might be soiled if I’d killed myself last… oh fuck.”</p><p>“Spit it out, Ray. Are you trying to tell me that you were going to commit suicide?”</p><p>“Drop it, Stell.”</p><p>“Look I will make you a coffee and then we will talk about this.”</p><p>“Yeah, whatever.”</p><p>I lay my head back against the couch and tried to clear my head before Stella returned, as she would be like a dog with a bone and wouldn’t let this drop. Not that I had anyone to blame other than myself, my mouth always ran away with me and the drink just made it even worse. Soon I was thinking about Fraser and why he had to come, and I hadn’t even realized I’d fallen asleep until I heard the voices.</p><p>“Stella, please just let Benny talk to him.”</p><p>“Ray, did he really try to kill himself last night?”</p><p>“Yeah, and that’s why you have to let Benny see him and explain a few things to him.”</p><p>“Fine, but I suggest you tread carefully as he’s drunk.”</p><p>Greatness, they all just talked about me like I wasn’t even in the room, not that I helped anything as I could dig my own grave with my mouth. I always had to have the last word and keep pushing, even when it appeared that Fraser was well and truly not in the mood.</p><p>“Aw, couldn’t ya stay away Benton buddy? So, what do ya want this time, maybe a quick fuck over the couch for old times’ sake.”</p><p>“Ray, you’re drunk.”</p><p>“Obvious much, Frase, hey ya know ya wanna fuck me cos that’s all ya ever wanted from me…”</p><p>Suddenly I was pulled up from the couch by my coat and Fraser held me there, he then thought better of it and decided to let go of me and I was glad he did. Fraser looked really pissed now, yet I still went and opened my big fat mouth.</p><p>“What, not even a pity fuck, Frase?”</p><p>Within seconds he backhanded me and then grabbed hold of me once more, and all he got in return was me throwing up all over him. I’d ruined his precious Mountie clothes that meant more to him than I did, maybe it would have been better if he’d just stayed away instead of making me have to face him all over again. Then to my surprise, Stella was telling them both that she wanted them out and that she would deal with me.</p><p>“You asked for that, Constable Fraser.”</p><p>“Yes. I do believe that I did, I am willing to stay and help you clean up the mess, as this was my fault.”</p><p>“No, I want you both to leave now and am capable of dealing with him. We were married for a long time Constable.”</p><p>“I’m well aware of that.”</p><p>I could tell that Fraser was pissed off and getting snippy, maybe it was the thought of me here with my ex-wife and that bothered him. Not that Stella would ever touch me in that way, I fucked it up just like I fuck everything up. Vecchio was non too happy about her babysitting me either, so he told her he wanted me gone as soon as I was sober, he even told her where I would find my car too. So, I managed to clean myself up in the bathroom before collapsing back on the couch, and all I had to do was sleep it off and then I could go home and lock everyone out.</p>
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<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Chapter 27</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I felt at a total loss, I’d finally managed to confront Ray at his ex-wife’s and it had got me nowhere. Ray was still in a foul mood and made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me, And I realized that more so when he came out with the remark about the couch, oh and also the mention of a pity fuck. Did he really think that’s what it would be, that I was so low and would do it out of pity? Well, none of that mattered now as I was on my way back to Ray Vecchio’s, where I would be able to shower and change out of the clothes Ray had thrown up on.</p><p>I loved Ray, but I was still relieved to have the smell of him off me and the shower had felt good. It was then that I thought about him and all the drinking he was doing lately; Ray was in self destruct mode and he could be extremely stubborn when he was like this and things weren’t going his way. Also, he was out there and I had no idea what he was capable of anymore either, thankfully he was with someone right now who would keep him out of trouble. Even so, I could also suffer from jealousy and I wasn’t happy that of all people it had to be Stella, the only person that he’d given his heart to other than me.</p><p>Hm, well that was something I shared in common with Stella Kowalski, we had both pushed the man away and pushed him to the limits. Ray had come all the way to Canada in the hope I would take him back and I’d refused, so maybe he had every right to see my return as selfish after all. Not that I would care how other people saw it, or even if they did blame me as it wouldn’t matter. Because I knew without Ray nothing would matter, and I just had to find a way to make him realize I was wrong and that I’m truly sorry for all the pain I caused him.</p><p>I was staying at the Vecchio home until I decided what my future held and right now, Canada was too far away and I wasn’t in a hurry to go back. Maybe I could get in touch with the Consulate here and see if I could be reinstated there, not that I could liaise with Ray unless he wanted me and that wasn’t looking too likely. Ray Vecchio had dropped all charges, yet my Ray was going out of his way to lose his job and that just wouldn’t do. Right now, all I could do was wait and give Ray some space. Then maybe he would want to see me once he sobered up.</p><p>I actually had a rather pleasant afternoon at the Vecchio’s and they still felt like family to me, Ray’s ma had welcomed me with open arms when I first met Ray and he brought me here, and she never even changed when her real son had disappeared and someone took his place. His ma was the type that had even welcomed his replacement into her home too, and it wasn’t just to protect her son either. Ray had to see that he had so much, and that people still cared about him. Ray Vecchio would not have brought him back here if he didn’t care about him, he also knew how much I loved the man and he’d also do anything for me.</p><p>I was glad that Ray had met Stella, as it was time he found someone and she also deserved to sort her own life out too. And I guess they felt bad for Ray and that he’d feel pushed out, well it was time I rejoined my host before he started wondering where I’d got to, then I realized he was already preoccupied when I heard Stella’s voice.</p><p>“Benny, take a seat and I’ll make you some tea.”</p><p>“Thank you kindly, Ray.”</p><p>“Constable…”</p><p>“Please call me Fraser.”</p><p>“Okay, I just want to apologize if I were rather offhand with you earlier today…”</p><p>“No apology needed, I’m pleased that you were there for Ray and that he wasn’t alone. May I ask of his whereabouts, I just wondered if he were still at your apartment?”</p><p>“Ray left as soon as he’d slept and sobered up somewhat, he said he was going to get his car and then he was going to see Lieutenant Welsh.”</p><p>“Ah, I see. I take it Ray is ready to return to work?”</p><p>“I have no idea, I told him he was to come here afterward and let me know what was going on.”</p><p>“Understood, I guess all we can do is wait and see if he turns up.”</p><p>“I don’t think he’s sleeping too well either, Fraser. Ray woke up screaming and each time it was you he wanted.</p><p>“Understood, and thank you kindly for sharing that information, Stella.”</p><p>I drank the tea and we made small talk, yet my eyes wandered back to the clock rather frequently and the doubt was starting to settle in. As I had a feeling Ray had no intention of returning, so Stella talked Ray into calling the station and asking Welsh if Ray had talked to him today with regards to his job. Ray left the kitchen and went to make the call, yet when he returned the look on his face told me all I needed to know and more.</p><p>“Benny, no one has seen him since he left Stella’s. Welsh got patrol to check out the street where Ray left his car and it would appear to have gone.”</p><p>“So, we know that he went and collected his car, we also know what he has no intention of doing too.”</p><p>“What would that be, Benny?”</p><p>“Ray has no intention of coming here while he knows I’m here, and I can’t just sit around waiting for him here now.”</p><p>“Benny, where are you going?”</p><p>“To find Ray, and this time he will listen to me whether he likes it or not.”</p><p>“Good for you, Benny. You’re a Mountie, so go get your man.”</p><p>“Well actually, Ray…oh never mind.”</p><p>I had a feeling that Ray would go home sooner or later, and he might already be there as he’d need to change after throwing up earlier. As I had no car going to his place was all I could do really, yet I arrived to find no one there as no one was answering the door. Now I started wondering about Ray’s state of mind and whether he’d attempt to take his life once more, so all I could do was convince his landlady to let me in.</p><p>It turned out that Ray wasn’t home after all, yet some careful observation revealed that he had come here and then left. There in the bathroom were the clothes from earlier, and it would appear that Ray had no problem with throwing the smelly clothes on the floor and leaving them there. Actually, the whole apartment was in need of a good clean and far worse than Ray normally kept it. The bed was unmade and there were clothes on the floor in here too, and I also couldn’t miss the photos he had on the table beside his bed.</p><p>God, Ray looked so happy and he had a gorgeous smile in every photo, and it broke my heart as I hadn’t seen that smile in such a long time. Ray was a gorgeous intelligent man and I was lucky to have the love he’d given me, a love that I wanted back, and a smile I wanted to see once more. Even so, Ray was tougher than he looked and I knew I’d have my work cut out, then there was his stubborn streak and lack of patience, and his fist was something I didn’t want to feel ever again. I sat on the couch thinking about the man I loved and wondered when he would return home, well I had patience and I would win over Ray Kowalski or die trying.</p>
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<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Chapter 28</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I’d kept my word to Stella and went straight home after collecting my car, and it wasn’t like I’d agreed to stay there or anything like that. All I wanted was a quick shower and then I’d be out of here once more, this time I planned to visit a bar and maybe I might even get lucky. It was early evening by now and all I wanted was to get drunk so I could forget about everyone, as I still couldn’t understand why Fraser couldn’t have just stayed in Canada. Not that it mattered to me and he could go to hell as far as I was concerned, I mean it was bad enough having to deal with Vecchio now he was back.</p><p>The drinks were going down too easy and my head was starting to spin, then that was when I realized all I wanted to do was dance. As it was always something I’d done to relax and it made me feel better, also there appeared to be plenty of people already on the dance floor so I could just blend in. There was very little room to move but I managed to start dancing and was lost in my own thoughts, then I felt another hot body press against mine and then someone put their arms around me.</p><p>“Whoa, whatcha think yer doin?”</p><p>“Making sure you stay upright, just you nearly fell over at one point.”</p><p>“Yeah, well I’m good now so ya can let go.”</p><p>“Can I buy you a drink?”</p><p>“Yeah, why the hell not. Name’s Ray by the way.”</p><p>“I’m Calvin, you can just call me Cal.”</p><p>“Cool.”</p><p>I followed the man to the bar and he bought me a double vodka, I thought it was a good idea but I don’t think my stomach wanted to agree with me right now. Especially as I was starting to feel light headed and couldn’t even keep up with the conversation, then Cal grabbed hold of my hand and was leading me out towards the exit and I willingly followed. The air made my head feel even worse and then I found myself in some dark alley, soon Cal had me pushed up against the rough brick and was trying to get his hands down my pants.</p><p>“Whoa, not here…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I have a place with a bed and shit, no rough brick walls or piss-smelling floors there.”</p><p>“Hey, I’m all up for that.”</p><p>I watched as he pulled out a phone and called for a cab, he then gave them my address and was told the car would be here soon. I guess he didn’t like the idea of waiting, well that or he was just bored. As I found myself up against the wall once more, and then he was kissing me and forcing his tongue deep inside my mouth. God, then he had his hands under my top and was pulling and squeezing my nipples until they became hard little buds, then his mouth left mine and it was soon sucking hard on one of my nipples. I was so fuckin turned on and wanted to come so badly, in some ways I was hoping some meaningless sex would help me forget all about Fraser. Then the cab arrived and I still couldn’t block the Mountie out, soon we pulled up at my place and I realized Fraser had no place in my head tonight or I wouldn’t be able to go through with this.</p><p>We were both drunk and we struggled to get out of the cab, I was surprised that I actually managed to pay the driver and let go of the cab door without falling over or landing on my ass. Then we had the major task of making it up to my apartment as he couldn’t keep his hands to himself, then even worse was trying to unlock the door and get inside. Finally, I did it and we practically fell through the door and was laughing, well that was until I saw Fraser sitting on my couch.</p><p>“What the hell…”</p><p>“Ray, we need to talk.”</p><p>“Hey, do you know this man, Ray?”</p><p>“Na, Cal. I’ve never seen him before…”</p><p>“Ray, please refrain from lying as it is unbecoming of you. And for your information, Ray here is my boyfriend so you would do well to fuck off and leave us alone.”</p><p>“Frase, ya swore, shit that ain’t very Mountie like is it!”</p><p>“Ray, you have the ability to make anyone swear when you behave so immature.”</p><p>“I’m out of here.”</p><p>“Cal.”</p><p>“Goodbye, Ray.”</p><p>“Shit look what you went and did, Frase. And ya have the nerve to call me immature.”</p><p>“Ray, we really do need to talk.”</p><p>“Fuck you, Fraser. I came all the way to fuckin freezer land ta talk and you fuckin ignored me.”</p><p>“I thought I could live without you and I was…”</p><p>“Shut up or I swear I’ll hit ya, I don’t wanna hear any more shit from you, Frase. I gave ya my fuckin heart and you had me kicked out of Canada, so don’t you dare sit there and think ya can come back cos it suits you!”</p><p>“I’m sorry, what else can I say, Ray.”</p><p>“Nothin, but there is something ya can do though.”</p><p>“What would that be, Ray?”</p><p>“Get on a plane and fuck off back to Canada…”</p><p>“I’m not leaving until you sober up and we have a proper talk, Ray.”</p><p>I leant forward and grabbed hold of Fraser’s shirt front, then without thinking, I’d raised my fist and was prepared to hit him if it meant I’d get rid of him. My fuckin heart was breaking and he sat here so fuckin calm, then suddenly he grabbed my wrist so I couldn’t hit him just as his mouth found mine. Oh, fuck no, I couldn’t believe he was doing this and I struggled to get my breath when he finally let go of me.</p><p>“That’s playing dirty, Frase.”</p><p>“All’s fair in love and war, Ray.”</p><p>“Whatever, ya can sit there all night for all I care.”</p><p>“Maybe I will.”</p><p>“Good, you do that.”</p><p>“We will talk, Ray.”</p><p>“Not if I can help it.”</p><p>“We will see in the morning, so you had better go and get plenty of rest, Ray.”</p><p>“Stupid stubborn fuckin annoying Mountie…”</p><p>“Goodnight, Ray. I love you.”</p><p>“You do not get to do that, Frase, are ya trying ta give me nightmares?”</p><p>“No, just pleasant dreams, Ray.”</p><p>I stormed off into the bedroom and slammed the door behind me, let him sleep out there if he wanted to be a stubborn bastard. Come tomorrow morning it would be different, as I’d be sober and he’d be leaving one way or another. I had to get on with my life and move forward, also I’d be expected back at work now Vecchio had dropped the assault charge. Even so, it was still hard trying to sleep with the object of your desire sat in the next room.</p>
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<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Chapter 29</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was left sitting alone on the couch after Ray had slammed the door shut, yet all I could think about was the man he’d returned with. And yes, I’d swore at the man and I knew it was unbecoming of me, it was just the thought of Ray with someone else in his life and the thought of him no longer wanting me. In some ways, it also annoyed me and I had to know if he’d have gone through with it, so I was up on my feet and barging into Ray’s bedroom so I could get my answer.</p><p>“Whatcha want now, Frase, I have a headache and wanna sleep?”</p><p>“I have to know, Ray.”</p><p>“Know what, fuck just spit it out will ya, Frase?”</p><p>“Would you have slept with that man?”</p><p>“Yeah, Frase, I would have let him fuck my brains out.”</p><p>“Why, Ray?”</p><p>“In the hope that I could forget all about you, Frase. I dunno what else to do to stop the pain…”</p><p>“Let me in, Ray.”</p><p>“Fuck you, I already did that, and look where I ended up…Look just get the fuck out as I’m too tired ta think.”</p><p>“Fine, I will leave you alone until morning, Ray.”</p><p>“Thank fuck.”</p><p>I ignored the last remark and closed the door behind me as I left his room, not that I had any intention of going farther than the couch until this was all dealt with, Ray had even said he was willing to sleep with that man to stop the pain I’d caused him, and he’d come close to taking his own life because of me. So, I guess it was high time we both faced up to the truth and what we wanted, especially as Ray was now playing hard to get despite it was obvious that he still wanted me.</p><p>I’d not slept on the couch for over a year and I’d forgotten how uncomfortable it could be too, so the first part of the night was spent tossing and turning as I tried to sleep, then it was too warm and I had to strip down to my boxers and tee shirt. Ray felt the cold far more than me and would have the thermostat set high despite the time of year, not that I could blame him though as he was so thin and struggled to retain body heat.</p><p>Then I thought about all the jokes we’d made in the past, and all the times I’d willingly warmed him up. And then that reminded me of when I’d had him over the couch in my cabin, Ray was losing weight and I knew he was going to end up ill too if this wasn’t sorted out, and weight wasn’t something the man could afford to lose either. Everything went around inside my head until I became too tired to even think, then I heard the screaming coming from the bedroom and was off the couch in seconds. I went into the bedroom and could see Ray moving around on the bed, and I had no choice other than to lay beside him and hold him in my arms.</p><p>“Ray, I’m here and I’ve got you.”</p><p>“Don’t leave me, Frase…Please don’t leave me again as I need ya.”</p><p>I realized that Ray was still asleep and he was also crying, oh and I’d also realized that the man was rather naked too. His body was really hot as I ran my hand down his spine and started rubbing his back, and he was also so thin and that made my heart hurt as I struggled to hold back my own tears. Then he moved closer and started humping himself against my thigh, and that was when I realized he was hard despite the alcohol he must have consumed tonight.</p><p>Then I couldn’t have stopped him even if I’d wanted to, especially as his hand moved down and he soon found my own erection, God and then Ray had his fingers wrapped tight around me and was doing wonderful things to my body with those said fingers. His hands were one of the many things I loved about him, his fingers were so long and slender as he worked up a rhythm and I had to try talking to him. It was either that, or I’d roll him over and take him right where he lay. As just the thought of his body and how it felt when I was inside him, to fuck him until he was calling out my name with pleasure.</p><p>“Frase…”</p><p>“Yes, Ray.”</p><p>“When did ya get in bed with me?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Ray. You were having a nightmare and I sort of…well I…”</p><p>“Hey, I ain’t complaining, Frase.”</p><p>“I can stop if you wish, Ray.”</p><p>“Hey it’s my hand on you and maybe I don’t wanna stop. Frase.”</p><p>“Ray, we should talk about things before we do this…”</p><p>“I don’t think so…”</p><p>“What…”</p><p>“Frase, I want ya ta fuck me.”</p><p>“Language, Ray.”</p><p>“Frase…”</p><p>“And then what happens tomorrow, Ray? Will you push me away again and go in search of someone else to fulfill your needs.”</p><p>“That ain’t fair, Frase.”</p><p>“Yes, that was rather uncalled for and I’m sorry, Ray.”</p><p>“So ya should be, look we can talk tomorrow if it’s what ya really want.”</p><p>“Fine, we talk tomorrow and you will hear me out, Ray. Tonight, I have no intention of…oh dear.”</p><p>“Of what, Frase.”</p><p>“Fucking you, there I said it…”</p><p>“Frase, ya can’t mean that or leave me like this…”</p><p>“Ray, I have no intention of leaving you as you are, I plan to make love to you and not fuck you, as you say.”</p><p>“Cool, can we speed it up then, Frase?”</p><p>“Patience, Ray.”</p><p>I reached over towards the table and grabbed some lube, I then sat between Ray’s parted legs and just stared at him. The man was gorgeous and I loved him so much, and now it was time to prove it to him. As this was my one chance to show him how much I loved him and wanted him in my life, a small amount of lube and a couple of fingers was all it took to have him moaning out my name just as I’d wanted.</p>
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<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Chapter 30</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Frase had a couple of fingers shoved deep inside my ass and soon his other hand was on my erection, then his finger brushed against my prostate and I was moaning like I was desperate. Okay, I was fuckin desperate and I wanted to come, yet Fraser grabbed the base of my cock tight and I knew it wouldn’t be happening anytime soon. Fuck, then the bastard went and removed both his hands and I wanted to scream in anger, not that I had time though, as soon he was pressing his own erection deep inside me and I welcomed the pain that came with it. I wanted him to possess me and take me, as I would only ever belong to him now.</p><p>Then Fraser leaned over me and his mouth was upon my own, and now he was literally fucking my mouth with his talented tongue. My head felt dizzy from the alcohol earlier and now the lack of air, not that any of it mattered as soon I was coming all over my own stomach. Then Frase sat back up and fucked me through the mattress as he got himself off, and I had the pleasure of watching his gorgeous face when he finally let go and came.</p><p>Frase was far different from anyone I’d ever known and he was all mine, I was the only one who would ever get to see him when he was like this, engulfed in nothing but sheer pleasure. Frase finally looked up and he gave me the most gorgeous smile I’d ever seen, and it was then when I realized it was all for me that I fell apart and started babbling. I’d come so close to losing him because I was afraid to tell him the truth.</p><p>“I’m so fuckin sorry, Frase. I fucked up and I was an idiot for doing what I did and I hated you at first, shit and I didn’t even know ya. Yer better than me and should be with someone else, please just go, Fraser…”</p><p>“Ray, just let it all out and talk to me.”</p><p>“I can’t…”</p><p>Fraser lay beside me and soon had his arms wrapped around my body, then my face was pressed against his warm chest and I felt so safe and loved, Fraser repeatedly kissed the top of my head and whispered things to me. While I on the other hand cried like a baby, I must be covering him with snot and tears and he just remained where he was. As the tears slowed my brain started working once more, and deep down I knew we couldn’t wait until morning to have that talk.</p><p>“Frase…”</p><p>“Yes, Ray.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry…”</p><p>“Ray, you have nothing to be sorry for, I was the one who pushed you away and never thought how you might have felt.”</p><p>“I hated ya when I found out who ya were, I didn’t like love Vecchio or anything like that, I just thought…shit I dunno anything anymore.”</p><p>“I understand, Ray. You didn’t love him but he was there when you needed someone, then you felt cheated when he put someone else before you.”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess I wanted to make you feel like that, Frase. I was gonna make ya feel wanted and then dump ya so you would know how I felt…”</p><p>“Then you went and fell in love with me.”</p><p>“Yeah. Look I wanted to tell ya about Vecchio when I saw that postcard, but I figured ya wouldn’t want me if you knew who I was. Then I fell in love with you and wanted to tell ya the truth, but I couldn’t.”</p><p>“Why not, Ray?”</p><p>“Because I was afraid you would hate me and I’d lose ya. That you would stop loving me…”</p><p>“Oh, Ray, I could never stop loving you.”</p><p>“Yeah right, ya couldn’t leave me quick enough in Canada…”</p><p>“Don’t ever doubt my love for you, Ray. I didn’t like you at the time or what you had done, but I still loved you and that was what made everything so hard.”</p><p>“I ain’t too good at getting stuff right, and then Vecchio showed up and I was so sure ya wanted him instead of me. Look I thought…”</p><p>“You thought I wanted Ray Vecchio, that I’d only argued with you so I’d have an excuse to leave you!”</p><p>“Yeah, I guess…”</p><p>“So, you let him do what he wanted in that cupboard because part of you wanted me to suffer along with Ray Vecchio.”</p><p>“Yeah, I felt used and wanted ya both to suffer. I just thought you’d both used me and I was only good when it suited you both.”</p><p>“I’m as much to blame, Ray. Somewhere along the line we forgot to communicate, we were becoming stale once more, and look what happened last time that happened.”</p><p>“Yeah, I hit ya…”</p><p>“It’s the past, Ray, we both need to move forward and get over what happened.”</p><p>“Ya mean together, Frase?”</p><p>“Of course I mean together, Ray. As you’re mine and I’m pleased to have you as my partner, friend, and lover.”</p><p>“What was that last one?”</p><p>“My lover, Ray…”</p><p>“Was that hard to say, Frase?”</p><p>“Not at all, Ray, you are my lover as I am yours.”</p><p>“Yeah, yer my lover, yer still a freak though…”</p><p>“Understood, Ray.”</p><p>I buried my head back into the warmth of my lover’s chest and he held me once more, I’d loved Stella and then we split up, at the time I thought I’d never love anyone again and then Fraser came along. I’d managed to find love a second time around and wasn’t willing to lose what I had for anyone. Fraser was my life and without him I would be nothing, and we would have to learn to communicate better just like we had at the beginning.</p><p>First though, I had other ideas and my mouth was going to practice communicating with my lover’s erection that was now pressing against my thigh. And just maybe this communication thing was a good idea, after all, well I knew I would have plenty of fun learning all about it. As my lover was all for the communication thing too, and he was a Mountie after all and he was always right, plus he couldn’t lie either so it’s all good. And people say the Mountie always gets his man, well this time it was me that got myself a Mountie and I had no intention of ever letting him go again.</p><p>The End </p><p>A Lie by Omission is Still a Lie</p><p>By CarolelaineD</p>
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